She believed she could. So she did.

Change of Pace

2010-10-02T19:04:00.001-07:00

Starting a new blog, my loves.

Been weathering a storm and have had a hard time posting.

Time to change my focus.

So check it out.

http://www.thehappyheartproject.blogspot.com

And tell a friend.

Jackie Warner is a Sugar Nazi

2010-09-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

I love this bitch!

To be honest, I think she's too skinny and too muscle-y, but she still has an amazing body.

I watched Thintervention this morning, and my favorite scene was when Jackie made Sugar Bitch run up and down the stairs to burn off the two cookies he ate.

And then she's like, "Was it worth it? Was it worth it?"

Well, not now!

Being a Sugar Bitch myself, I can totally relate. I've been trying to cut out sugar for the last few months. Unfortunately, the more stressed I am, the more sugar I crave.

But.

I'm going to keep track of Sugar Bitch's progress.

I'm guessing, if he can do it, I can do it.

We'll see how this unfolds.

Bus Thrower

2010-09-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

So I've mentioned that I've started my new job. This is my fifth week, and so far, I like it muchos.

But I've made a buttload of mistakes.

Like:

Sending a letter without postage.

Failing to deduct $100,000 from my boss's check registrar.

Failing to double-check whether a fax had been sent.*

Putting things in the calendar incorrectly.

And the list goes on and on and on.

Luckily, my boss is super understanding. And like he says (often, I might add), "I bet you'll never make that mistake again."

Anyhoodle, back to Bus Thrower (he's nowhere near as diabolical as LeDouchetard, but I guess when you've made such a ginormous mistake, anyone is fair game).

Bus Thrower is the accountant.

Bus Thrower "misplaced" a bunch of checks.

Like twelve.

FOUR WEEKS AGO!

Sucks for him, right?

The other day he revved up his bus engines and said, "Did you leave the checks when you went to the Big Cheese's house?"

And I shut that bitch down and said, "Oh, you mean when I WENT WITH YOU? The stack of papers that YOU gave me? When I WENT WITH YOU? On my second day of work?"

So he backpedals and says, "Oh, I just thought maybe you had an idea where they were."

To which I replied, "Um, no. But feel free to go through my desk and see if you find anything."

End of Story.

Or so I thought.

Today, I hear him telling the Big Cheese he can't find the checks, and that maybe I left them at the Big Cheese's house.

He was totally throwing me under the bus. Totally!

So the Big Cheese, who apparently has infinite patience when it comes to the charming fuck-up he hired (also known as moi), very kindly asks, "SC, did you drop off the papers in my office? Do you remember seeing a folder or an envelope?"

Um. NO!

I tell the Big Cheese the same thing that I told Bus Thrower. "I went to your house with Bus Thrower and put the papers he had me hold on your desk. I'm sorry, but I don't know what was in those papers."

Hello? I make enough mistakes by myself without adding the mistake of MISPLACING TWELVE CHECKS FOUR WEEKS AGO!

I mean, hot damn! Hell to the no.

So I think my boss believed me.

And you can bet your ass I'm not going to trust Bus Thrower.

*In my defense, bus thrower also "taught" me how to fax. I didn't want to seem like an idiot, so before I faxed some important documents, I asked him if I was doing it correctly. He was all like, "Yeah, sure. You're doing it right." And I said, "Really? I don't want to seem like a moron, but I know all fax machines are different." And he said, "No, no -you're doing it right!" And then, when my boss called and asked if the checks would be ready for his meeting, I called the office and found out they had never received my fax! Oh. My. Word. I turned five shades of white and felt my heart drop to my belly. And then! When I said, "Hey, Bus Thrower -you taught me how to do it wrong!" He said, "No, I didn't. And anyway, you should've checked for the fax confirmation." Wow.

This Little Piggy Went to Market

2010-09-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I bought these booties for my goddaughter.

And today, while browsing online, I found the matching hat. It'll be here next week.

How could I not?

I seriously need to restrain myself when it comes to buying stuff for her.

But, um. Yeah. That's not going to happen. :)

You've Got Mail

2010-09-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

The other day I was flipping through the channels when I heard this,

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small
life -well, valuable, but small -and sometimes I wonder do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave. So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a
book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.
So good night, dear void.

-Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail

And it really resonanted.

I wonder.

About my life.

Like, shouldn't I want to run a marathon? Or parachute out of a plane? Or travel to India? Or go on safari?

Because I don't.

And I'm not really sure if that's a reflection of me.

I want big things.

But I guess the term "big things" is relative.

Something to think about.

Baby Steps

2010-09-05T14:57:00.001-07:00

1. I got a new job!

2. I'm an executive assistant.

3. My new boss is a maltov cocktail of Miranda Priestly, Mr. Pitt, and Jeff Lewis.

4. I find him ridiculously charming and neurotic.

5. Especially when he asks me to book his haircut.

6. But I love my job.

7. And I'm really happy.

8. I get to go to the bathroom WHENEVER I want.

9. And if I don't bring my lunch, I get to eat lunch at a real restaurant.

10. With airconditioning!

11. Now my shopping addiction has changed from floaty dresses to work clothes.

12. I'm currently loving, LOVING Ann Taylor Loft.

13. My old work BFF works there.

14. I'm driving her crazy with my requests.

15. She gets 40% off regular priced merchandise!

16. I used to think work clothes were a waste of money.

17. But that was before I got to wear big girl clothes and shiny heels.

18. These are my new must have shoes:

19. I can't get them yet because I already bought a pair of brown must have shoes.

20. Boo.

21. Hoo.

22. My BFF had a baby.

23. She's really cute.

24. And I'm not saying that just because J and I are the godparents.

25. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

26. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at all.

27. J and I are seeing a fertility specialist.

28. It's a lot of work.

29. And it stresses me out.

30. At last week's appointment, I bit my nails to the quick.

31. Because I'm the only one that has to worry about taking pills and what I eat and making my appointments.

32. Even though I'm fatter than ever.

33. Because stress makes me CRAVE sugar.

34. It's always on my mind.

35. Sometimes I think J just wants a baby now because our BFF's have one.

36. But when he rubs my belly and says, "Hi, babies!" it melts my heart.

37. Yes, babies. Plural.

38. You know, multiple eggs = increased chances of multiple births.

39. I'm trying to be a happier girl.

40. I've got a good life.

41. But there are a lot of ups and downs.

42. Sometimes I'm on top of the world.

43. And then I slip and I'm in the deep pits of despair.

44. I'd like to reach a happy medium.

45. Let's just say, I'm a work in progress.

Numb

2010-06-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

My period was four days late this cycle.

Four days.

I got it this morning.

I don't know what hurts more. Getting it, or four whole days of dreaming how my life would change.

There's a hole in my heart.

Quote-y Quotables

2010-06-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

Coming from a family where hysteria is pretty high up there on our personality trait list, my mother and my sister had this little exchange this morning:

Mother: How did you do on your test?
*My sister is studying to be a physical therapist.

Sister: I did okay, I got a 77. Eh. Not so bad because the class average was 79.

Mother: Is that the one you were crying about the other day?

Sister: Um, I cry every day. Which day are you referring to?

Lord, I love my family.

Happy weekend, cookies!

From the Desk of the Barren and Currently Unemployed

2010-06-18T11:48:00.001-07:00

Yowza! That's quite a catchy title, no? Methinks it's a bit dramatical, but the few days before I get my period are a bonanza of crying and drama -so maybe not, really.

I'm not a huge fan of putting my sad-face girl feelings out to God and the universe. For sure I like to believe that the love and energy you send is what you receive, and in this case, what I'd be receiving is obviously not so bueno, but it's how I'm feeling. At least right now.

The only good thing about not getting my period is that it's another inane reason for me to buy myself totally ridiculous things. Hmmmm. Let's see, Mother Nature: 84, Smart Cookie: 0, Smart Cookie's Closet: Full to Bursting.

Clearly, there are no winners.

But, since it seems that history is most likely going to repeat itself this month, this lovely dress from anthropologie is warming my poor, cold, dead heart.

If it weren't for the fact that I'm getting my hair done on Wednesday, and that duh! I'm unemployed, I wouldn't even think twice about inputting my debit digits.

But for now, like the baby I've been wanting for what seems like forever, I'll have to wait.

25 Things

2010-05-21T09:08:00.001-07:00

I like bacon and pork, but I hate ham.
I have lots of different make-up, but I always go for the same look -rosy cheeks, smoky-ish eyes, and a glossy lip.
This is probably because my lips are tiny, bordering on non-existent.
I love dresses. I recently bought this one at Target. It looks much cuter on. I'm wearing it with a wide brown belt, a chartreuse cardigan, and these shoes.
I am addicted to my Blackberry.
I'm starting to hate Facebook, but the nosey parker in me can't bring myself to delete my account.
The depression that I've suffered this year because of my infertility has been unbearable. I'm grateful to my therapist and how she's helped me cope with my diagnosis and subsequent sadness and anxiety.
Although I'm nervous about not already having a job lined up, I'm grateful that I'll no longer be at my current job. I liken it to being in an abusive relationship and finally breaking free.
I don't think I'll ever be as thin as I was two years ago.
But that's okay because I got these great boobs.
I always thought that I never had close friends because I was such a difficult person. After finding my FF, I realize that I just never met someone as awesome as me. ;)
I can forgive, but I never forget. I love deeply, but once I feel like I've been betrayed, it's soooo over.
I wish I could keep my WHOLE house clean at the same time. As it is, if the bedrooms are clean, the living room is not. If the bathrooms are clean, the kitchen is a mess. It's like the space-time continuum will collapse if the entire house is neat.
Right now, my car looks like an episode of Hoarders. I start to hyperventilate at the thought of having passengers.
I love acupuncture. It completely relaxes me. I have a hard time falling asleep, but I can fall asleep on my back full of needles when I'm there.
I'm convinced that if I get pregnant, I'm going to have a boy.
I wish I could dance like they do on America's Best Dance Crew.
I think Glee should be shown at mental hospitals. It's such a happy show.
Last week, S told me that one of her students purposely got up from her desk and told another student, "I want to punch you in the face." At first, I thought, "How could anyone say that? Who does that?" Then I remembered, I would say that to Mrs. LeDouchetard in a heartbeat.
If I could afford it, I would shop exclusively at J.Crew and Anthropologie.
I think I'm getting too old for Forever 21.
Lemondrop martinis are my weakness.
Sometimes I worry that I will never really be able to relax.
I love to sit in the sun.
Hope breaks my heart. But it's the only thing that keeps me going.

Coming Up For Air

2010-05-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy the past couple of weeks, and it only looks like I'm going to get busier.

I keep telling myself, "When school's over, I'll relax." But then I remember, when school's over, I'm going to work part-time with my parents. And when school's over, I'm still going to tutor. And when school's over, I still have to work at night.

I feel guilty telling my therapist and acupuncturist I'll slow down, when I know that really, I can't. This makes me incredibly nervous when it comes to this whole baby-making business, which will most likely be kicked into high gear at the end of June.

Add in the fact that my grandmother's health is rapidly failing and J and I promised my grandfather we would move in when she passed, and you've got a cocktail of anxiety brewing underneath the surface.

Deep breath.

Other than that, here's what else is new in my world:

*I lost my mind this past weekend and organized all my kitchen cabinets and drawers. I also cleaned out the small guest bathroom where I get my hair and make-up did each morning AND emptied out my bookcase. Four garbage bags (who knew we had so many cables and batteries?) and two ginormous boxes of books later, I was done. I hate organizing, but I love the finished result. Now to tackle the master and guest bedrooms.

*I bought these J.Crew shoes. And they are just as lovely in person as they look online.

*I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I haven't gained any weight either. I hope to make it under 150 pounds soon.

*J's birthday is Friday! He is turning 38!

*I found this really amazing infertility blog. If you're struggling with infertility, or know someone who is (ahem), you might want to take a look.

*Despite the overwhelming sadness that I've felt this month, I was blessed beyond belief when my FF and her husband made J and I the godparents to her child. Definitely sweet relief in this sea of bitterness that sometimes overwhelms me.

That's all. :)

If You Just Let Me Be...

2010-05-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

eventually, I'll be back to me.

I'll Bet You...

2010-05-06T08:45:00.001-07:00

that if I had this shoe I'd be a happier camper.

It really takes so little.

Thanks, But No Thanks

2010-05-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

When I'm cranky and hating the world, all I want is for someone to listen. I hate it when I'm venting and people try to offer helpful suggestions or change the way I feel.

Listen.

All I want is for someone to say, "That sucks. I'm here if you need me."

Can I get an amen?

Random Ramblings with Cranky Pants

2010-05-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

I've been in a funk since late Sunday afternoon, and I haven't been able to shake it. :( If you're happy, you might want to skip this one, because it's just a litany from the Poor Me files.

Mother's Day is on Sunday. And I'm totally not feeling it. I'm being strangled by the no-baby blues, and I'm seriously considering skipping out on the whole day.

Babies are everywhere but in my belly. Everybody is either pregnant or popping out babies. I'm beginning to hate FACEBOOK.

For the last 72 hours, everything bothers me and makes me want to tear out my hair and scream and cry. I'm hyper cranky and exhausted.

I hate Weight Watchers. I've been sticking to the plan pretty faithfully -the only sweets I've allowed myself are yogurt and jello pudding cups, but I've only lost a pound, maybe two. I've drastically reduced my intake, and I'm not pleased with the results.

I'm not tutoring this week. Based on my current mindframe, that's a blessing, but I really am missing those extra $200. It was nice not to have to worry about budgeting for the week.

I feel like I'm going to smack somebody if they look at me the wrong way.

Okay. I 'm done now.

Random Ramblings

2010-04-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

If I could pour out the contents of my brains cohesively, then I would find a way to thread all this mish mash together. But since I am exhausted beyond belief -last night the sound of the crickets chirping made me feel like my next purchase would be a beautiful white coat with thick straps that would tightly wrap my arms around my body, bullet points is the way to go.

*Last night was my first meeting at Weight Watchers. And, eh. I'm a little scared. I weighed in at 154.6, but that includes my shoes which weighed .8 ounces. So even though the W.W. nazi didn't deduct it, I'm going to. So. My starting weight is 153.14 ounces. Bleh. And I only have 22 points. And everthing I like to eat is more than 22 points so I really have to think about everything I put in my mouth. Booooooo. Hissssss.

*The deal was to buy this new J.Crew dress when I lost ten pounds,

but I had forgotten I had bought this one a few weeks ago. Same style, different print.

So, ahem. I bought this one instead. Because I'm excellent at finding loopholes to my own rules. If only I thought so much about losing weight and exercising. I'd probably be a toothpick.*I was recently let go from my current teaching position. I'm not going to lie, it hurt like a mother, but truthfully, I had been so unhappy, I wasn't planning on coming back, and I'm happy the decision was made for me. Anyhoodle, even though I've been a tad bit bitter, I'm all about letting people know (especially Mrs. LeDouchetard) that this decision didn't break me. And today, my principal actually came to my room and thanked me for handling the situation with such grace. It sounds silly, but it made me happy. As much I sometimes want to leave in blaze of smoke and glory, grace and dignity are the way to go.

*If you're not reading Andie's blog, what's wrong with you? She's doing this really cool dress challenge where she'll only wear dresses for the next 30-ish days. I'm totally in love with this idea. Lately, I've had to pull out my dresses and wear them to work because I'm so fat I cannot wear any of my pants comfortably (except for one pair of jeans and that's really a stretch).

*My FF is pregnant, and she'll be having her baby shower in a couple of months. I have fallen head over heels for this website, which has the most gorgeous party planning ideas. Seriously, it makes me want to get married again. To the same boy, of course.

*Two weeks ago, my therapist recommended that I take the next 30 days and concentrate on myself. But, I really haven't had the time. I quit Saturday school because even though I earned some extra dollars, in retrospect, it really wasn't worth the stress. And what I really want to do is quit my night job. But that's a bunch of monies, and money talks. On a happier note, I only have 21 more days left of school, 24 if I count teacher work days. So if I can just make it until then, I'm sure all the rest will fall into place.

Much love,

Smart Cookie

P.S. As soon as school is over, I can introduce the world to my real self! Yes, Smart Cookie is my secret identity, but prepare to meet Clark Kent. :)

Like a Moth to a Flame

2010-04-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

I'm a sucker for any kind of coupon or discount. Even though I know -I KNOW! that LOGICALLY, I will end up spending more than I save. But when I have that coupon in my hot little hands, reason flies out the door.

Last week, I got a coupon for New York & Company. I've never been a huge fan, but the last time I visited one of their stores, I was pleasantly surprised. So, I put my Spend $75 save $30, Spend $150 save $75 in my bag and planned a Saturday visit.

Oh, cookies. The plan was to only spend $75 to save the $30, but I'm sure you can guess that that is not what happened.

When the cashier rung up my purchases, the total (with tax) was $119. So I figured I'd buy my mom a shirt for Mother's Day, and save money.

Yes, I said it. Save money.

But what I didn't realize is that the coupons are only valid for pre-tax totals. So I had to sacrifice myself and buy two headbands to make it to $150. And of course, I spent more because remember, I had to spend $150 pretax. Deep sigh.

Boo. Hoo.

Here are the things I bought:
Loving this dress. Super simple, but with a brown belt, some gladiator sandals, and some colorful necklaces, I'll be good to go. For some reason I've noticed that lately, I'm drawn to very neutral colors.
This is much cuter in person. Digging the embellished neckline.

I actually bought this shirt in cream for me and in blue for my mother.

So my grand total? $92.

Deep sigh.

Every time, cookies. Every time.

Preach It

2010-04-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

My no-baby drama usually has me in a Tasmanian tailspin, but sometimes I read something that speaks to my brokenness and makes me breathe a little easier.

"At any given point throughout this journey, two birds might sing in your head. The bird of doubt sings the song of blame and misfortune and self-flagellation. The bird of faith says, 'More shall be revealed.' You'll have to decide which of these two birds to feed."

From The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova

Amen, sister.

If I could, I would....

2010-04-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite stores ever, is J.Crew. Not that I get to shop there that often.
Most of the stuff that I do buy I buy online and on sale.

This is a new arrival, and it is absolutely drool worthy.

Because I've bought two dresses in the last six weeks, my J.Crew card is on fire. And because I'm planning to start Weight Watcher's next week, I'd like to lose some weight before buying myself this deliciousness.

So.

Let's make a deal.

Next week after my "weigh in" (which terrifies me beyond belief), I'll post my weight (which terrifies me even more), and when I lose ten pounds, I'll splurge on this beauty.

Deal?

Cruise Control

2010-04-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

The Mr. and I are going on a 7-day cruise in June.

And I seriously need to drop some weight.

I am in a ginormous funk. I've gained about 25 pounds since August, and about 15 of those pounds since December. I don't really mind too much -I mean, I hate my jiggly belly, but I like my boobs and my butt.

But this morning as I was trying to get dressed, nothing I tried on fit. :(

I'm really considering weight watchers.

Cram Sessions & Shopping Confessions

2010-04-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

Last month, I decided to give up shopping for the month of April. I was super determined, but to be fair, I had bought a bunch of stuff on March 31st to tide me over. Not to mention that I had some items to exhange and some giftcards burning holes in my wallet. So. The concept was totally doable.

But this weekend, I caved (Sorry, FF! I would've come clean but the boys were around). And I cannot even show you the object of my destruction because it SOLD OUT.

I tried, cookies. I really did. But each day I checked the item, each day I saw sizes vanishing. Until the only size that was left was a size 8.

And I ordered it. I don't even know if it'll fit. I've gained a bunch of weight, and I'm no longer a size 6, but J.Crew sizing has always been a little off for me.

I would show you a picture, but it's not even up anymore.

I feel guilty, but I'm sure my guilt will abate when I get my beautiful dress at the end of the week.

New & Improved

2010-04-19T06:33:00.001-07:00

There's long been the question of how something can be BOTH new and improved, so this title may be somewhat misleading. All I know is that I've been gone for a while, and now I am back.

So dig it. :)

MIA Updates

2010-02-20T05:43:00.001-08:00

Oh. My. Word. I've been gone forever, I know. Talk about being busy! My schedule is bananas. Ba. Na. Nas.

I'm still working my regulary teacher-y job from 8-3:30 ish, which is a breeze because my kids are awesome, except for one who is muchos annoying, but I'll take that compared to the craptastic class I had last year. Anyhoodle, I'm tutoring 3x/week, two weekdays and Saturdays (sometimes on Sunday, depending on my student's schedule), plus my night job (which I need desperately, but gives me diarrhea and sometimes I wish I would get fired), plus going to therapy (my prepregnancy issues made me lose my mind for a good six weeks so it was either therapy or the psych ward) every other week, AND acupuncture (which is AWESOME, totally relaxing and worth every minute) every week. Oh, and I host a Bible study at my house every Thursday. And I almost forgot, Saturday school every week, which I'm at right this very minute.

Exhausted much? Seriously. On Tuesday, my heart was beating so hard and so fast I thought I was going to die. Had to take some xanax to calm my shit down. Skipped therapy the following day and just slept. All my body needed was sleep. I now know why celebrities check themselves into the hospital for exhaustion. They just need a break.

So that's what I've been up to. That and online shopping at Old Navy. Damn, cookies! They've got the cutest stuff!

Here are some things I've bought in the last month.

I just got this brown dress on Thursday. And I love it. I'm not sure if I've mentioned that my weight has reached a serious freak the shizz out high and that I don't even weigh myself anymore because I don't want to drop dead from the terror. So. That's why I love dresses. They hide a multitude of sins.
This romper is A. Dor. Able. I've been looking for a romper FOREVER. Because I don't have the body of a teenage boy, it's been muchos challenging to find one that fit AND looked good. This one does both.

My favorite color is chartreuse. That's just a fancy way of saying lemon-lime ish. I plan on wearing this dress with a belt. And a tan.

I was hesitant to order this dress online. Not really sure how the waist would fit. But I heart it big time. Dying to wear it with my brown heeled boots. A little cliche, I know. But I could totally work it.

The irony, of course, is that I'm so freaking busy that I haven't been able to wear ANY of my new clothes because all I wear are the same two pairs of pants over and over to work (F.U. cold snap!) and sweat pants or p.j.s.

Deep sigh.

Can we say praying for Easter break?

Constant Cravings

2010-01-26T09:03:00.000-08:00

It's been an orgy of shopping goodness. Or what the angel perched on my right shoulder likes to call, a complete and total loss of my faculties.

Lately, I've been indulging my shopaholic tendencies under one or the other of the following two principles:

1. Birthday Presents: The plethora of birthday giftcards has been largely exhausted. But you know how dangerous giftcards can be. You mean to buy only enough as your giftcard allows, and in the end, your giftcard only serves as a deposit. Ahem. Guilty.

2. I work like an animal. No, seriously. I do. If you know me, you know that I am doing one of three things. Sleeping. Eating. Working. That's it. So I justify some of my shopping on the fact that I deserve it. For example, on Saturday, while most of you were resting, between Saturday school and tutoring I made $150 extra dollars. Granted, that money is supposed to go to my property taxes that are due at the end of March. But, nonetheless.

So on Sunday, after going to Forever 21 and not finding anything, I figured I was in the clear.

***Snort***

Old Navy, which is usually hit or miss for me (especially since I'm aware everything is going to eventually be marked down to $1 AND I'm super pear-shaped so dresses are a crap shoot), was a goldmine of adorableness. Everything was super fresh and springtastic. Tops and flip-flops in delicious colors. *

Plus, on Monday, thinking that I was Daddy Warbucks, I bought myself a brown leather purse at Dillard's and another yoga DVD**. Um, I haven't even seen the first yoga DVD.

And now, I'm craving these.

These denim leggings are super delish. I've gained beacoup weight, and let's be honest, anything with a button and a waistband that is not made of elastic is torturous. But. I've put myself on a shopping hiatus. I've got to save my dollars for my property taxes. And, again, with all the sleeping, eating, and working, I'm not really going anywhere.

Deep sigh.

But. I do have that Anthropologie giftcard.

*Ironically I put everything on my Gap card because I didn't want to touch my cash. Deep sigh. Two steps forward, one step back.

**To be fair, the second yoga DVD is a fertility, relaxation DVD. And I paid cash for all that.

You Can Be Happy...

2010-01-26T06:57:00.000-08:00

where you are. -Joel Osteen

It's just how you choose to perceive your circumstances.

Where I'm at:

in ridiculous debt,

not pregnant,

working four jobs,

hardly seeing or spending time with J,

overweight and overexhausted.

Where I'm at:

taking control of my finances,

pre-pregnant (one of my friends mentioned this when I told her I hated the word infertility and told her my therapist suggested sub-fertile. But pre-pregnant has a much nicer ring to it.),

blessed to have so many opportunities to make money,

appreciating the time I spend with my husband,

blessed to eat and sleep.

You see? Be your own PR person and spin your situation to your advantage. Because therein lies the truth. Don't listen to your inner Harold*. Know that your past and your present is essential to your future.

Besides, if things didn't occasionally suck, how would we be able to truly appreciate how far we've come?

Enjoy the journey, cookies. You're getting there.

xoxo,

Smart Cookie

*He's a smarmy liar who delights in your sadness. I hate that butthole.

Birthday Wishes

2010-01-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

For my birthday, I was blessed to receive a bunch of giftcards from some of my favorite places. Yay for me!

Here's a list of some of my purchases (and some of my intended purchases, as well):

My cousin C bought me a giftcard from Borders. And instead of buying books ( I have piles of unread books that are giving me mild anxiety because I feel compelled to read them, and I want to read them, but with all the working and eating and sleeping, I'm not finding the time), I bought these two workout DVD's.

Which I'm obviously not doing, because of all the sleeping, working, and eating. But I have all the positive intent in the world.

My coworkers bought me a giftcard to Forever 21, with which I was able to purchase these lovelies. They were only $16.80 (AND, they come in red, black, or blue), and my coworkers were blown away when I showed them my shoes (which are muchos cuter in person) and told them the cost. They were convinced that they were more expensive.
One of my students gave me a $50 Visa giftcard, which I used to buy this dress from Delia's. The practical side of me considered saving it to pay for a therapy or accupuncture session, but the broke fashionista inside me quickly won that argument. :)

My FF bought me a giftcard to Anthropologie, which has me spinning me wheels with delight. There's an old Cuban tale called, La Cucarachita Martina (Martina the Little Roach), who found some money and then couldn't figure out what to buy. And that's exactly how I feel. Here are some of my very impractical desires.

This bag is $368, and my giftcard is like a drop in the bucket to that ridiculous number, but I love the soft leathery goodness and total laissez-faire attitude that this bag is whispering.

I don't know if it's the way that it's styled (probably) or the fact that I just want to be this effortlessly relaxed senorita (definitely), but I love this top. At $68, I'm not sure it's worth it, though.
This necklace is $48 smackaroonies, which I also think is ridiculous, but it's big while still being delicate, which I totally love. AND it's part of that girl's outfit so, duh, I want it.
This last one is one of my favorites. It's totally me (on the mannequin, anyway). I'm worried that my newly super curvy hip wouldn't work with this dress, but I can't wait to try it on.

My sister also gave me a giftcard to Macy's, which I haven't even thought about yet. But that's okay. I love the fact that even though money's tight, I've got options.
xoxo,

Smart Cookie

Sometimes...

2010-01-22T05:11:00.000-08:00

When God speaks,

Hope in the Lord, and you will not hope in vain:
Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live;
Do not let my hopes be dashed.
Psalm 119:116

All you need to do, is listen.

Just Breathe...

2010-01-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

It's funny that I never really thought about breathing until I realized that I wasn't very good at it. Because that's the first thing people tell you to do when you're on the ledge and hyperventilating and wondering what the apex of crazy can possibly be because you feel that each time you couldn't get any crazier, which is of course an illusion, because you know that the next level of crazy is going to be, hands down, bigger and badder than the last.

But I digress.

Last night I went to my first counseling session, which was absolutely lovely and awesome and informative, and really, just what I needed. One of the things I plan to work on is connecting my mind and body.

Which really sounds super easy, no? I mean, it's not like you need to tell your body how to function. But when I spiral into my ninth circle, I feel like my mind is a freight train and my body is in limbo, at the mercy of an out of control lunatic (me, I'm that lunatic).

So. One of my homework assignments is to practice breathing, which, for all that I do it (breathe, that is), takes LOADS of effort. I didn't even realize how shallow my breaths were until I started taking deep breaths, which honestly sometimes leave me out of breath. That's how bad I am at this whole breathing business.

Okay, so here's how it works (in case you were wondering if all your years of automatic breathing have prepared you) Deep breath in (while counting to four to engage my mind and stop the racing thoughts), deep breath out (while still counting to four).

Anyhoodle, last night I was so into breathing while driving that I ran a red light. Like, totally. It wasn't even green when I noticed it.*

I'm supposed to do it before stressful situations, while in a stressful situation, or just to relax. I'm pretty much doing it whenever I remember. In fact, last night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. But I started breathing and lo and behold -out like a light.

Now if I could just get a baby in this belly. :) But I'm giving it time. For now.

*Note to Self: Breathing should only be done in controlled environments. :)

Decisions, Decisions

2010-01-19T07:26:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling much better after my mental breakdown last week. Obviously, because I'm returning way earlier than planned. :) The good news is that I'm going to focus on my mental health, connecting with my body, and being at peace with myself, which I'm really excited about. In this whole (infertility) process, I feel like I've lost myself and my mind, more often than I would like.

Anyhoodle, last week I received a $50 Walmart Visa gift card from one of my students. I have to confess, though, since this student is a bit of stealer, I double-checked that it was valid. Nothing more embarrassing than going to a store and being told, "Um, no dummy. Someone just stole this and gave it to you." That is of course, worst case scenario because it's obviously not good customer service.

So, here are my choices:

At $98, these are the most frivolous, least likely to be worn. But, oh! How I love them!

Loving this seafoam dress from modcloth. I ordered two dresses from their site a few weeks ago, and even though they were pricier than I'm accustomed, I really love them. This dress is $54.99.

I need another pair of shoes like a hole in the head, but I don't have white sandals. And ever since I saw these at Dillards, I made a mental note (and I actually wrote it in my journal so I wouldn't forget!) of them. At $49 smackaroonies, I think they are super cutie.

And finally, this white eyelet dress from Delia's. I'm really struggling with being 34 and knowing that I should probably stop shopping a junior stores, but I'm not ready yet.

So be a lovey and cast your vote.

P.S. Thank you for the lovely notes about my departure. :)

P.P.S. My blog has had a makeover. I found this great site called shabby blogs. It's free and it's totally my speed, totally my style. Check it out.

Missing in Action

2010-01-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

I've been missing in action the past month. I've got a bunch of stuff going on in my head and my heart, and I haven't been able to write a cohesive post despite my bestest efforts. I'm thinking of taking a break from blogging (I know, I know -it's been a month. I've already taken a break, but whatever), which I'm sure will cause me to become so inspired that I'll be firing up this blog with posts, but I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, here's an update:

I've gotten so fat. Last year I gained 22 pounds, and that's because I haven't weighed myself since last Wednesday because it could be more, which is terrifying. I don't mind the extra junk in my trunk (even though my butt is like a bag of Ruffles potato chips -full of ridges), but the jelly in my belly has gots to go.
It's been freezing here. Everyday I wear leggings, pants, socks, boots, a t-shirt, a sweater, a sweater coat, and a scarf. Brutal. I can't wait for it to warm up so that I can go back to my uniform of dresses (none 0f my pants fit) and sandals (because at least my feet haven't gotten fat).
My birthday was last week, and even though I worked most of the day (I usually get really bad anxiety on my birthday) and was exhausted, I had a really chill evening with my family and friends, and I received lots of presents from my family, friends, coworkers, and students.
I've always wanted to write a book, but I've never been able to get a successful start. I think it'd be fun to write a memoir, maybe about my shopping addiction or my attempts to get pregnant, or even a children's book titled, The Adventures of Whitey. I'm still thinking.
Monday is MLK Jr. Day, and I have the day off. I'm thinking of going kayaking if it's warm enough. I need to be out. I miss being glowy and tan and being in the sunshine. I'm in need of some straight up Vitamin D.
I've decided that this will be my last year of teaching at my current school. It makes me sad because I've become so attached to my students and their families, but I need a better job. I was planning on working with my parents as a backup, but their business has been a little slow, so that's not definite. The good thing is that my check is prorated, so I get paid all the way through mid-August. Plenty of time to figure something out.
I have an appointment with the psychologist tomorrow. I've got some thoughts in my head that I need to get out to a third-party, someone who doesn't know or love me and is therefore not invested in my life. I've been driving myself and anyone around me who will listen crazy, and I'm just tired.

I think that's it. I'm sure there's more, but I'm at my night job and it's so slow I'm worried I'm going to get my balls busted.

My Girl Likes to Party All the Time

2009-12-14T20:29:00.000-08:00

Today J asked me if I wanted him to wrap empty boxes so that it would feel as if we were exchanging gifts. When I said no, he said he'd be willing to wrap clothes from my closet. His theory being that it would still be a surprise when I opened the box. I love that silly boy.
I bought some bathing suits for my secret Santa, and OH. My. Word. They are teeny, tiny. The rep. at Victoria's Secret said that a smedium was equivalent to a size 10-12, and since my secret Santa is an 8 at her heaviest, I ordered a small bikini bottom. Bad, bad decision. Why did I listen to her? We all have big butts! It looks like it's from the children's department. So sad-face. But I'm wrapping it up with the order form, and she can return it because the last thing I want to do is start all over.
Today, my grandmother, who has been sick and often threatens to die and refuses to eat (she literally spits out her food), told my grandfather that she wanted to live long enough to see my baby born. It really made me smile. Until she started praying about how happy we would all be when my cousin C got pregnant. Did I mention she sometimes forgets things? Like that it's me that needs the baby, and it's C that would like to get married?
Yesterday I made a wreath (with these two hands!) by myself! I was in a zone when I made it because I totally do not have the patience for that Martha Stewart crap. But it came out really pretty, and it was completely free! It's hanging in my beautiful house.
My house looks amazing. I have a real tree, and I have a fake tree, and I have wreaths, and I have stars, and there are lights everywhere, and -oh, I just wish it could look like this all the time!
I'm still worried about my life, but I'm doing pretty well day by day. And that is making me happy. :)

Everything Is Temporary, Anyway....

2009-12-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

Last month, I stopped taking my crazy pills, and the results were muchos no bueno. Like any crazy person, I had been feeling better (and I didn't want to go back to my devil doctor) so I decided to stop taking my pills.

Bad, bad life decision.

I felt completely untethered and irrational. My emotions were all over the place. Happy, sad. Highs, lows. And absolutely nothing in between. My moods were, to quote Forest, "like a box of chocolates". You never knew what you were going to get. That compounded with my baby hysteria resulted in a maltov cocktail of insanity that was brutal. Bru. Tal. I hadn't told anyone that I had stopped taking my meds, and when my mom and J found out, the pieces of the puzzle came together, and they were, what I like to call, not so happy.

I've been back on them for the last two weeks, and I feel better already. This month has been stressful, our finances are tight, and duh, it's Christmas. J and I won't be exchanging gifts because we're poor, and we've just managed to buy everyone else a present, thanks partly to Macy's and Victoria's Secret, and sometimes things seem a little Charlie Brown.

But, everything is temporary.

Here's to keeping calm and carrying on.

Muchos Kissos,
Smart Cookie

It's Like 10,000 Spoons, When All You Need is a Knife

2009-12-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

My weekend was pretty much a crapfest of crying huge, wet, salty tears and consoling myself with high calorie fatty foods that have added considerably to my breasts and my (now) bubble butt, and unfortunately to my belly, making Mr. Pudge, MR. PUDGE.

But for some sunshine on this cloudy day:

My last day of school before Christmas break is Friday, December 18th. Off for two WHOLE weeks!
I have the week of Christmas off at my night job -AND I STILL GET PAID!
I wanted these shoes, and I actually went to buy them at Macy's this weekend. Apparently, Christmas shopping for others means I have to buy something for myself on each trip. Anyhoodle, I had a 25% off Friends and Family coupon, but Macy's had sold out. I contemplated driving to another mall, but I figured it was not meant to be. Until. Until I got a Steve Madden email for 30% off PLUS FREE SHIPPING! It was a sign, I tell you. I'll be getting this babies this week.
My husband, who loves me and has suffered my ridiculous mood swings (I'm all about the valley or the mountain, no stable plains for me), not only put all the Christmas lights outside, but also put the lights on the tree.
My FF (Favorite Friend) called to check up on me, and what can I say? I'm so happy that we're friends.

That's it for now. The goal is to work on staying in the present and letting the future worry about itself. We'll see how that goes.

When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you...

2009-12-04T20:36:00.000-08:00

Baby shower blues.

Because lately, deep, deep, deep down, I've been feeling like it's not going to happen for me. I'm going to be 34 in five weeks. I've been married for nine years. I am way behind.

And today especially, I don't think that I am going to win this race. :(

Because I'm an Idiot, the Cliff's Notes Version

2009-12-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

I have not been blogging regulary because my phone line has been "down". And by "down" I mean "disconnected," which I only found out today (after three months of not having either a landline or the internet) because I want J to start looking for a new job. STAT.

Deep sigh.

On a positive note, I'm calling tomorrow (that division of customer service was closed at 9 P.M.), and getting it all taken care of.

Seriously. Sometimes I amaze myself. And not in the good way.

But to be fair, I've been suffering from the H1NI of the emotional variety and any posts between then and now would've have gone something like this, blah, blah, blah, hate my life, blah, blah, blah, want a baby, blah, blah, blah, I'm so fat, blah, blah, blah, miserable, blah, blah, blah.

At least now that I'm feeling a little better, you'll get the misery with a dash of humor. Can we say, me likey?

To make you giggle until then, here's a little fact about myself. Sometimes, when I can't find a rubberband or a clip to put my hair up, I go to my panty drawer and use one of my thongs. Just around the house, mind you. Not in public or anything.

It'll be like I never left.

What Hurts the Most....

2009-11-09T19:58:00.001-08:00

is getting so close. And other rambity rambles from the recesses of my mind.

I've been getting my period for the past twenty-two years like clockwork. In fact, I got my period like a Tampax commercial at a pool party when I was eleven. And very rarely have I ever been late. Ever. Except of course for this past weekend, where I had the heartbreaking misfortune of thinking that I might maybe have been pregnant. And of course, I wasn't. And really, ever since the doctor told me last fall that my chances of getting pregnant were pretty much negligible unless we were counting miracles, I never let myself get too upset. But thinking that I might have been pregnant and realizing that I wasn't, broke me. Broke. Me. I don't think I've cried so hard in years. Because it wasn't the fact that I got my period. It was that I had let myself entertain the hope that maybe I would have a baby and all the good things that would come with it. Cue the violins. No, seriously. Cue the violins. It was bad.
Which was made worse (way worse) when I facebooked an old flame and saw a picture of him with his baby (which I did purposely because I accidentally found out he had a baby and I wanted to see if he changed his profile pic). Hello, old flame holding your deliciously adorable baby in a dragon costume. Hello, smart cookie, welcome to your ninth circle.
This weekend I ate as if I were going to go into hibernation. Most of it was sadness. And let me tell you, it was brutal. I've been eating relatively well, but when I weighed myself today, I weighed even MORE than my fattest self TWO WEEKS AGO.
I have all of Thanksgiving week off! Only nine more workdays -8.5 if you count the fact that next Friday is a half-day. I can't wait. I plan to clean my house and organize my closet, which looks like a mild episode of Hoarders.
And the shopping. Oh. My. Word. I need to reign it in. I need to put everything away and assess. I don't even know if I fit in to stuff I bought weeks ago.
Which brings me to the following dilemma. I know that I am not fat, per se. However, I keep holding on to the hope that I will lose the weight. And I obviously haven't. Should I get rid of my skinny pants? :(
I bought this Argon Hair Oil at Sally Beauty Supply. Supposedly, it's really similar to Moroccan Hair Oil. Anyhoodle, it's really good. My hair had been really dry and my stylist told me I needed to condition it more often. The bottle cost me $9 bucks, and it's awesome. Awesome.
The Blind Side. Omg. I never thought that I would be such a sucker for that movie. But I'm falling for it. Hook. Line. Sinker. The best part was that J said he really wanted to see it, too. Good.
New Moon comes out next week. I am ashamed at how excited I am. I am even more ashamed that I like that cute little wolf boy. For heaven's sake he's not even LEGAL. But he is adorable. I might have to change my allegiance it's that bad.
Got a manicure and pedicure on Saturday in Essie's Bahama Mama. It's the darkest that I've ever done my nails. I also got a massage. Total Deliciousness. Until. Until I went to get the mail and my massage oil feet slipped out from under me AND I TOTALLY ATE THE PAVEMENT. Oh, and I also scratched my pedicure. Thank the good Lord no one saw me eat concrete. .
La, la, la. That's it for now.

If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

2009-11-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

Clap, Clap!

Oh, cookies. As someone who is prone to pessimism and is only occasionally cautiously optimistic, things have been going... oh, my word! Do I dare say it? They've been going really well! And I'm terrified, TERRIFIED, that this is just the initial calm before the storm, and that within the next few days I can expect my dryer to break or my dogs to get sick or to get my period (to be honest, I'm feeling period-ish so that won't be such a huge surprise or downer).

Because all the other things? They're just spanky!

My job. Love it. Love it. Love it. My kids are awesome. I no longer have the class from hell OR THEIR PARENTS. My schedule is a breeze. I no longer have to stay late to get my work done because I've saved all my lesson plans on WORD and I just have to cut and paste and add some new activities. Easy peasy.
Mrs. LeDouchetard's comeuppance. Ooooooh, yes! It happened! My principal recommended me for a tutoring opportunity, and I met with the parent (who loved me, LOVED me) this morning. As the parent was leaving, she saw Mrs. LeDouchetard and said, "Oh, I have to thank Mrs. LeDouchetard. I spoke to her on Monday and she said she had an elementary teacher in mind for this opportunity, AND I'M SURE IT HAD TO BE YOU!" Ha! Right! Like she would EVER recommend me for anything. Oh, I wish I could've seen her face when the parent told her it would be ME! I later found out Mrs. LeDouchetard was planning to recommend my work BFF, S, but my principal (THE PRINCIPAL) recommended me because I have previous middle school experience. Thank you, Jesus! You have a hilarious sense of humor -and timing! And it's true what the Bible says about revenge -God will take care of it. Amen, cookies. Amen.
This tutoring, which starts in December, will mean some more income, and it means that I am for shizzle getting a cleaning lady! Yay, yay, yay!
I'm going to church again. I've gone for the past four weeks and I love it. It's pretty close by, and the service is AMAZING. I usually don't like to talk about religion, but going to church has really made me feel better, so I'm grateful for that.
I have been exercising! Yes, yes I have. I only went twice last week, and so far I've only gone twice this week, but that's definitely progress, right? That's way more than I've gone in the last four months!

Now if you're sick of all this dumb happiness, here are some pebbles in my shoe that might make you giggle.

On Saturday I went to the grocery store while starving. Bad, bad move. I was bewitched by a Krispy Kreme six pack and bought it. I then proceeded to eat four donuts on the five minute drive from the store to my house. And, I only ate four because my mom called me, and I didn't want to chew and talk at the same time. If not, I for sure could've eaten five, and in the past, I've been known to come home with an empty box. :)
After Saturday school, I went to the mall. I really hate fall fashions. It's all lumber jack -y and warm and it's fricking 90 degrees here! Anyhoodle, I found some really cute stuff at the Gap and went to pay. I had them look up my Gap card, which I only let myself use because I pay the balance in full every month, and the salesclerk said my card had been DENIED. Um, MORTIFICATION. I told her that it was IMPOSSIBLE, and that she needed to run that shit again. She then goes into a very condescending speech about if I've made a payment it might take a couple of days to process, blah, blah, blah, and I said listen, I owe x dollars for this month. My limit is 10x. RUN IT AGAIN. And, duh, it totally went through. Of course, not before I prayed for the earth to swallow me whole and all.

K, cookies. That's it for now. Remember, keep calm and carry on.

xoxo

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby

2009-10-29T20:08:00.000-07:00

Oh, sweet, sweet freedom! It has been such a joy to get back to my second grade schedule! My kids are awesome, and I am a happy, happy camper.

Yay for me!

I am so yay for me and so happy to get out of my ninth circle of hell, that I am actually going back to the gym. After weighing myself on Monday and realizing that my weight had crept up to an unacceptable high (hello? I have never been that heavy in my life, mmmkay?), I decided that it was time. Or should I say, my fat ass decided that it was time.

Anyhoodle, I made it to the gym on Monday and again yesterday, and I'm hoping (fingers crossed) to make it on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I know, I know. Super lofty goals considering my ass hasn't been to the gym in four months. FOUR MONTHS. In fact, I went to a beginner's spinning class yesterday, arrived 15 minutes late, and thought I was going to. Fucking. Die. I am sooooo out of shape. When I think of how I used to go spinning (in the kick your ass class) five times a week, I totally have no idea how I did it.

So. To reiterate, get ready to see my rapidly shrinking lady lumps!

xoxo

P.S. The only thing I'll miss are my boobies. They're the last to arrive and the first to leave. And for me, they've been frickin ginormous.

Top Five Ways I Torture Myself

2009-10-27T19:53:00.001-07:00

Keeping treats in the house. Rewind to Sunday when I ate half a jar of frosting (in addition to the three donuts that I had already eaten) that I had originally bought to frost a cake I was going to bake with my class the following day, and later to Monday, when I ate almost the other half and had to put dishwashing liquid in the container to avoid eating anymore. I just can't keep treats in the house. I have no self-control. None. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

Stepping on the scale. As a result of the vicious cycle of anxiety, self-loathing, overeating, and inertia that I have experienced in the last three months, I have added six pounds to my already (for me) fatty mcbutterpants weight. On Monday I weighed myself (something that I used to do religiously on a daily basis and have rarely done over the last three months), and I almost. Passed. Out. 141 pounds. I have never weighed so much. Never. Three months of cookies, ice cream, loaded fries, pizza, and bags of M&M's have wreaked havoc on my body. I know that I am not fat. But weight is a very personal thing. And the fact that I am bulging out of my pants is a big flashing sign. Earth to Smart Cookie: It's time for the bingeing to stop and the exercise to start.

Going "window" shopping. I always come home with something. And even though my night job has kept us in the black, and we have not added to our debt, I have more than enough clothes. I mean, just yesterday, I was telling J that I really needed to clean the bathroom, and he said, "Yeah, half your wardrobe is piled in there." And I actually thought about it and said, "Half my wardrobe? Not even close! Do you know how many clothes I have?" Um, obviously too many. Ugh, but I can't help it! I love pretty things! I'm currently obssessed with some booties I saw at Nordstrom and a leather strap Michael Kors watch and these yellow Gap cordoroys! Help me! Save me from myself!

Searching for people from my past on FACEBOOK. It's just bad news bears. Seriously.

Wondering why everyone and their mother has a baby (see ways I torture myself #4). Last week I dreamt that my mother was pregnant, and she didn't know how to tell me because she thought I would be upset. Actually, I'd be happy if someone in my family got pregnant. I could deal with being pregnant by proxy.

Deep sigh. Deep, deep sigh.

Take, These Broken Wings

2009-10-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today was officially my last day as the fifth grade homeroom teacher/2nd-5th grades reading/language teacher. Beginning on Monday, I'm going back to my second grade, self-contained classroom.

And it is bittersweet.

Because the outpouring of love from my fourth and fifth graders (two of whom bought me M&M's because they know those are my favorite treats) and one distraught parental call lamenting the fact that her son was only able to spend one quarter with me have made me feel as happy as a bird with a french fry.

Because the truth is, it's so much easier to listen to the haters, who are always more vocal than the lovers. And doing so is so dangerous. Because eventually, you start to believe what they're saying about you, eventually you begin to lose confidence and doubt yourself.

But if today was any indication, Mrs. LeDouchetard can suck it. Because bitch is definitely in the minority.

Hate On Me, Hater

2009-10-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I have been M.I.A. for the last two months -but, oh how I've missed you! Unfortunately, my internet hasn't been working, and lazy ass that I am, I haven't called AT&T to get it fixed. Oh, yeah, and my day job has been sucking the will to live right out of me. So there's that, too.

Anyhoodle, here's a mini-recap. I'm posting at my night job, so hopefully, more to follow. :)

School has been kicking my ass, and I have been riding the crazy train all the way to Just Quit My Fucking Job town. Mrs. LeDouchetard and her cronies have made my life miserable, and my mantra, which started with, "I just have to make it through the year," and later changed to, "I just have to make it through the month," and eventually turned into, "I just have to make it through the day," almost became, "Oh, Lord. Please help me not stick my head in the oven a la Sylvia Plath." We're talking crying almost every day, cursing like a pirate, and just generally hoping to end my misery.
Because some parents are assholes. Period. And apparently, it was a witch hunt, and guess who was riding the broom?
And those parents just hate my guts, which is odd because I am really a loveable person. Like, especially loveable.
So finally, like the Israelites who traveled for 40 years and finally made it to Canaan, I was called to my principal's office and told that they had decided to move me back to second grade. Essentially, being demoted, but who gives a fuck? Because it means an end to the LeDouchetard saga.
Yay for me!
Joe, one of the only rays of sunshine in this craptastic extravaganza, and I recently celebrated our nine year anniversary. We ususally don't exchange gifts, but in addition to getting me DVR (which has totally changed my life!), he bought me a snuggie, a STAR magazine, and a pound of M&M's (which I ate in a 24 hour time period).
Which brings me to my expanding girth, and the fact that I have been eating my feelings for the last few months. Deep sigh.
But now that I am going to be a happy camper and not have to suffer the emotional torture of my day job, perhaps I will find the strength and energy to work out.
Maybe.

That's really it in a nutshell. I wish I had more exciting stuff to share, but it's the dawn of a new day. So keep your fingers crossed.

xoxo

I Dare You to Get Anything Done....

2009-08-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

once you check out this site.

We had a technology seminar today where we learned about muchos free websites that make teaching more exciting. I'll admit, I was bitching and moaning before the seminar. I've got a buttload of stuff to do, and the idea of spending the whole day learning about technology? Boo. Hiss. Growl.

But after learning how to do this, I had a serious attitude adjustment.

Doing lesson plans and bulletin boards can suck it.

Crazy Talk

2009-08-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy random and amusing quotes from my beloved DNA.

Before my surgery:
Smart Cookie Mother: Remember when I hated your father?

Smart Cookie Mother: I found these great chairs at Marshall's so I told your dad to guard them while I went to the bathroom and while I was walking away I saw someone walking toward the chairs and looking at the prices so I ran back and told him, "Hey, these are my chairs!", and he said, "But I only want one!", and I said, "Too bad! They're mine!", and the manager was watching me argue with this guy, and I told the manager, "Look, if I have to fight for those chairs, I will. And let me tell you, I'll win. I'm taking these chairs home."

To my mother after learning that she got into an argument with the hospital staff taking care of my nana.
Smart Cookie: Mom, please promise me that I will never have to bail you out of jail.

Smart Cookie Brother (when he was very young): Man! That's the biggest cat I've ever seen!
Note: It was a goat.

Smart Cookie Grandmother: Sometimes your grandfather drives me so crazy I just want to put him outside by the mailbox with a big ribbon on his head and see if anyone will take him!

Smart Cookie Sister: I bet you her boyfriend's coming, too.

Smart Cookie Sister's Boyfriend: Okay, I'll bet you (some sex act I was happy I didn't hear, la, la, la, la, la) that he won't come.

Smart Cookie Sister: Okay, if I win I want you to rub my back for an entire show.
Deal and they shake on it.

(Boyfriend shows up)

Smart Cookie Sister: Ha! I win!

Smart Cookie Sister's Boyfriend: No, no! We were just kidding!

Smart Cookie Sister: But we shaked on it!

Smart Cookie Sister's Boyfriend: I know we shooked on it, but I didn't know what we were shaking for.

Laughing so hard I'm crying in the backseat. Shaked and shooked! And my sister's going to be a doctor!

Smart Cookie Father: Yeah, I can hear so much better with this hearing aid. I can even hear my hair rustling in the wind. And if I can't hear, the hearing aid is connected to a satellite and a voice says, "Hey, you son of a bitch, can you hear this?"

In a conversation comparing the girl cousins and the boy cousins:
Smart Cookie Cousin M: What's the point of being good? We're the ones who actually work and got good grades and didn't go to jail, and the boys are the ones who get everything!

Smart Cookie Cousin C: I talk so much. Sometimes I'm talking and talking and while I'm talking I'm thinking in my head, "You're talking so much!", but I can't stop!

On finding out she didn't get into the physical therapy program (which turned out to be a mistake, she did get in):
Smart Cookie Sister: But this would never happen to you! OMG, what am I going to do! I want to get married, and have a family, and buy a house, and what am I going to do for money?!
Note: My sister has over $30,000 saved, mmmmkay?

My godmother started feeding Kitty, the neighborhood cat. When Kitty got knocked up and had babies, my godmother didn't want to take care of the kittens too so she dropped them off in another neighborhood. But Kitty was so sad, and she kept crying and crying for her babies. So my aunt went back to the neighborhood and found two out of the three cats, Buddy & Meow Meow.
Smart Cookie Godmother: They're always there by the door! It's like they're waiting for me to come out. Sometimes I swear to you I think that they're spying on me, looking at me with their big old cat eyes.
Note: Kitty got pregnant again, but we don't know where those babies are.

Upon finding the laminating that I dropped off last Wednesday would not be ready as promised.
Smart Cookie: What?! What am I supposed to do? Maybe if the laminating guy wasn't so busy combing the four hairs on his head he would've finished my stupid laminating!

Put the names with the faces. Honorary Cousin A, Smart Cookie Sister, Cousin M, Cousin K (really the least crazy, I can't think of anything remotely nutty she's ever said), Cousin C, Smart Cookie

So. Do you understand now? I can't help it. It's genetic. We're all crazy.

Back to School

2009-08-16T19:08:00.001-07:00

So. Summer is over. Tomorrow, I have to go back to school. And it's definitely bittersweet because I've had a really great summer.

Let's go over some of the highlights:

1. Joe and I went to the Dominican Republic, our first vacation in over six years.

2. I worked with my parents for a good majority of the summer, which helped keep us in the semi-black financially. My mom approached me about possibly working with her next year and eventually taking over the business. It's a lot to think about. I haven't made a decision, but it feels good to know that I have options. I like the idea of owning my own business.

3. I got a night job, which was also a financial blessing because lately I've felt as if we've been hemmorhaging money. The refrigerator broke and it was $250 smackaroonies and J's car needed new tires and some other repairs so that was another $250 buckeroos and between a little of this and that, we had to dip into our super tiny modest savings. But like J says, "At least we had it."

4. J and I seriously discussed our finances. I manage the monies, and sometimes J has a don't ask don't tell policy about money. He's a big believer in the idea that things will just work themselves out. But after hitting rock bottom, we were forced to seriously address the situation. We cut up our credit cards, cut back, and are working on being debt free. I've paid off some of my baby cards (Gap & Victoria's Secret), and even though we have a long way to go, I really believe we'll get there.

5. My lovely nieces came to visit. We did a bunch of fun stuff (beach, pool, paddleboarding), and I was so sad to see them go.

6. I got my lady business cleaned up, and I'm ready to get pregnant. I'm trying to stay positive so that my overwhelming hope doesn't break my heart if things don't work out, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. Or trying to, anyway. I have dreams of a double pregnancy with my new SWF.

7. I started taking anxiety medication. And I love it. I really think it works. I haven't cried in weeks, and I definitely feel more level-headed. That doesn't mean that I don't have the occasional episode, but overall, I feel more in control. I actually wish my dose were higher, but that would mean going back to my devil doctor. And, um, no.

8. I've started some new friendships, which have made me really happy. I've always been more of a loner, primarily because I'm terrified of getting hurt. And I'm super sensitive about my crazy idiosyncraises, which have always made sustaining friendships difficult. But I'm making progress, cookies. And it feels good.

9. I reconnected with God. So funny, right? Like I just called him up and said, "Hey, You, it's been a while." But I had lost my faith. Too busy, too worried, too much thinking about everything else. So when I hit rock bottom, it felt good to know that even though I had run away from Him, He was still there.

There've been a lot of ups and downs, but I really think that this is the best summer I've ever had.

Thanks for letting me share it with you. :)

My Life...

2009-08-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

according to one artist. I copied this meme from A. It's super fun, and definitely not as easy as it looks. I looked up song titles from the Goo Goo Dolls and Britney Spears before settling on U2.

To play, answer the following questions using only song titles from one artist.

And, voila!

My Life, by U2

Are you male or female: She's a Mystery to Me

Describe Yourself: Lady with the Spinning Head

How do you feel about yourself: Running to Stand Still, Mysterious Ways

Describe where you currently live: Miami

The first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning: New Day, Another Day

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Where the Streets Have No Name

Your favorite form of transportation: Fast Cars, Walk On

Your best friend(s) is/are: Let the Good Times Roll

Your favorite color is: Your Blue Room, A Different Kind of Blue

What's the weather like: Beautiful Day, Staring at the Sun

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, Even Better Than the Real Thing

What is Life to You: Sweetest Thing

What is the best advice that you have to give: Don't Give Up

If you could change your name, what would it be: Grace

Your favorite food is: Summer Wine

Your soul's present condition: Rejoice

How would you describe your love life: All I Want is You, Love You Like Mad

La, la, la. The End.

Some of My Favorite Things

2009-08-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

This commercial. O. M. G. I swear it only comes on at night, and I've been telling everyone about it BUT NO ONE HAS SEEN IT BUT ME! And it combines my favorite things. Ice cream, cake, and a catchy beat.

Tell me that you're not singing it!

Hey Mon. Remember when I told you I got a part-time night job answering phones at night for my uncle's law firm? The job is only from 11:30 to 12:30, and I make $30 smackaroonies a night. Pretty awesome.

Well, this week I got promoted. At least that's what I'm telling people. Instead of answering the phones, I get to be the boss and communicate with the head of production at the station. So much better than answering the phones! And I HEART being the boss.

Anyhoodle, I get home late, and I'm pretty tired. When school starts, it'll be a challenge, but we need the money and I've got to hustle. So I'll be teaching, wearing my bossy boots, AND doing Saturday school once it starts. AND hopefully I can find one or two kids to tutor. So. Sometimes I feel like this:

My Nieces. I've been MIA because my lovely nieces came to visit last weekend. I had THE BEST TIME. We went to the beach, and to Venetian Pool and paddleboarding, and we ate delicous crepes, and pretended we were Miami Social by eating at Van Dykes. It was awesome. I only wish that we could've taken them out at night. Next time for sure. And pictures. I didn't take any. :(

If I could shrink them and carry them in my pocket, I totally would. They're beautiful and funny and bright and kind and I love them forever.

Gap Jeans. I'm really not into this whole distressed denim trend, but I'm loving these jeans and already wondering how I'm going to buy them and work them into my wardrobe.

Chocolate Shakes. I've been drinking a chocolate shake, EVERY NIGHT, for the last two weeks. At first, we were buying them from McDonald's, but now, I've perfected it, and I make them at home. Deliciousness.

The Ocean. When my nieces were here, I was happy that they wanted to spend so much time at the beach. Because the beach is so far, and it's a hassle to park, and there are so many frickin people, J and I never go to the beach unless we're in Marco Island. So I was super happy to be at the beach this weekend. The sun was shining, the water was warm, and it was just super relaxing.

La, la, la. The end.

Sunday, Crazy Sunday

2009-08-02T17:01:00.000-07:00

Most people love Sundays.

Not me.

Sundays are when my anxiety levels go through the roof. I haven't figured out why, but whether I stay at home or go out, my body is humming, and my breathing is labored, and my heart feels like it's going to crawl up my throat and escape out of my mouth.

Today I wanted to run some errands. This week is a busy week. I've got two doctor's appointments, a massage appointment (after this one I have four more to use in the next three weeks -I know, cry me a river), three days of work, some cleaning (so my niece won't have to feel guilty when she tells her Nani, J's mother, that no, we do NOT live in filfth), a little bit of grocery shopping, AND I need to squeeze in an eyebrow and manicure/pedicure because my eyebrows look like Sasquatch's and I can never do my nails as pretty as a professional.

And that didn't include what I wanted to get done today. I wanted to go to the mall to check out Forever 21 (it was a wash, I hate it when they stock up on fall clothes), to Target to buy some basics, and to Get Smart, the school supply store to buy materials for my classroom (which would be free as long as I stuck to my school budget of $75).

I wanted to go, but before I left I could feel my anxiety bubbling inside. I went anyway, and had a panic attack in the mall. I had to keep my hand on my chest and take deep breaths.

I don't know how to explain it. But it's like this. Imagine a pot boiling. That's my body. And then you put a lid on it. From the outside, you can't tell the pot boiling. But on the inside, it's craziness. That's how I feel. Normal looking on the outside, but on the inside, my body is having a physical reaction that will manifest itself as an emotional reaction (like the pot boiling over) if I don't simmer down.

I called J from the mall, and he told me to relax, to which I replied, "If it was that easy, don't you think I would do that?" But he stayed on the phone with me and reminded me to take deep breaths. When I got home, he told me my breathing was so irregular, it sounded like I was gasping for air.

I then went to Target to buy some razors, toilet paper, and other odds and ends. By then I could feel myself slowing down. And by the time I got to Get Smart, I didn't feel so panic-y. There was a moment when the cashier told me she couldn't process my order because I needed a P.O. number, and I freaked the frig out because the store is soooooo far away, and duh, school is closed on Sundays so no way to get a P.O. number, and if I had to go back all that way I was going to drive my car into a tree, but luckily all that was avoided when the cashier said, "Oops, no! My mistake!" Good for her, because I assure you I could not be held liable for my reaction if it had gone the other way.

When I got home, I lay in bed for a little while, and the humming subsided. I feel much better. My heartbeat is a little fast, but I'll live. :)

On a funny note (because jeez this post is so serious, kind of a downer), here's a little random-ity randomness:

There's this guy in my neighborhood who walks his parrot. Not on a leash or anything, though I would love to see that. He just walks around with this parrot on his arm. Maybe he's looking for his ship?
Want to read a funny joke? Where do crazy people walk in the forest? On the "psycho" path. LOL
Today, I saw a huge dead dog on the side of the road. So sad. But J did not see it. So on the way back, I said, "Look babe! It's right there! You see that big thing! There it is! Oh....Oh, no! That's just a rock -that's not the dog! Where was it?"
My sister wanted to see my scar, so I said, "I haven't shaved down there, and I don't want you to give me any grief about it, okay?" To which she replied, "I can hardly see your scar! But whoa! It looks like a hairy armpit down there."

Random Ramblings

2009-07-31T10:35:00.001-07:00

I'm starving. Funny, because my crazy pills have curtailed my appetite, so I only eat when I can feel my guts eating themselves out.
Consequently, even though my ass is expanding, I am losing a teeny bit of weight. 2.5 pounds to be exact.
The love of my life is driving me crazy with his laissez-fair, Bob Marley-ish, everything is going to be alright attitude. I need him to put on his big boy pants and help me a little more.
My teeny scar is right where the elastic from my panty hits, and it itches. Yeah, try to scratch it without looking like a perve.
I'm soooooo tired. I got a part-time job answering phones from 11.30-12.30 at night, and even though it's a piece of cake and it pays $30/night, I get home around one in the manana.
I want to buy myself some leggings at Forever 21 and the boyfriend blazer featured on Budget Babe.
But I won't because I'm trying to reign it in.
Unless I lose my mind, and let me tell you I'm seriously on the verge.
But let's hope it doesn't come to that.
Tomorrow, hopefully sunny day by the pool.

The End.

Did You Hear That?

2009-07-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

That was the sound of the other shoe dropping.

Hmmmf.

Remember when I was soooooo happy? Yeah, that must've been a surgery high because that didn't last too long.

Why, you may ask?

Well, let me tell you.

Last week, we noticed that our refrigerator was not refrigerating. We tried everything. Moving the temperature controls, scraping the block of ice that had formed on the back wall of the freezer, pulling the refrigerator from the wall, unplugging it and cleaning out the coils, but nothing. Nada, zero, zip. No refrigeration.

So, duh, we had to call a repairman. At first, I tried to ask around, but apparently, word of mouth was not going to help me find a guy, because NOBODY knew of anyone.

Bleh.

And, I was seriously getting pissed at my little love muffin. BECAUSE HE'S THE BOY! That's his job! Cars, lawn, and appliances. That's all I ask of him. But he was like, "Hmmm, well, it seems colder, um I don't know, maybe I'll find someone" blah, blah, blah. Um, maybe? Hello! Refrigeration is a necessity! We're not Pilgrims anymore.

Sheesh.

This whole business reminded me of the time I came hope AND SNOOPY HAD EATEN THE TIP OF HIS TAIL! Yes. THE TIP OF HIS TAIL! I called J all hysterial and bajiggity, and do you know what he said? He said, "Just spray him with the flea spray." WHAT? My dog ate the tip of his tail! We need to take him to the vet! J only took him because I'd told him I would take Snoopy myself. And guess what? Snoopy had fleas so bad, the poor baby had to have his tail amputated. Can you believe my better half? What would've happened if I would've just said, "Oh, he ate the tip of his tail. Let me just spray him."

I love J, but sometimes I just want to bang my head bloody.

Anyhoodle. Back to the refrigerator.

I called someone from the Yellow Pages, and thankfully they were able to come out today.

And $275 smackaroonies later, we have refrigeration.

Yes. $275. Like my friend CG said, "Do you know how many clothes you could've bought at Forever 21?"

No, CG. I didn't. BUT I DO NOW. :(

Crappity, crappola.

Want Some Candy, Little Girl?

2009-07-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

No? Umm. Okay, then. Mosey along. Nothing to see here.

This is my little dog Snoopy. OMG, I love him. He's such a good dog. As evidenced by the babushka and glasses.

Things I'm Hearting....

2009-07-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

but don't currently own. Or, um, forsee owning in the near future. :)

How cute are these Gap peep-toe flats? Too cute, right? I have a couple of pairs of Gap flats, and let me just say, the Gap's first forray into the shoe world was a mixed bag. Super cute flats, but super uncomfortable. They were like a prison for you toes. It was like they were made of cardboard. But now, they've wised up and put in some super comfy insoles. Plus, since they're peep-toes, they won't hurt your toes. Bonus!
This color is magically delicious. How sad am I that I am now on a budget, and having fully paid off my Gap card cannot buy this skirt with either cash or credit? So. Sad. It's just such a summery color! And even though I don't look good in coral, since the color is on the bottom, it's a perfect compromise!
Oh. My. Word. Do you know that I got in trouble one year for wearing tan courdoroys to work? I got called into the principal's office and everything. Talk about wanting the earth to swallow me whole. Have I mentioned that I'm a goody-goody and hate getting in trouble? Seriously, it took me six months to get over the whole situation. The funny thing is, I'd worn those pants for a month straight the previous year, and I'd never heard a peep.

But these? I love, love, love the color. Perfect spank of color for any outfit. Old Navy, size 6 (I hope I'm still this size). Buy them for me.

If you know me, you know I'm not big on the whole fall/winter deal. I have a pathological aversion to the cold and everything that comes with it -sweaters, turtlenecks (I have a short neck and I always feel like -turtle, turtle!), thick socks, blah, blah, blah.

But I so heart this jacket. Last year I saw a bunch of these jackets. Forever 21, Victoria's Secret Pink, you name it. But for some reason, I'd never bought one. But now they're back! And this one's my favorite!

La, la, la... The end. :)

Alternatives to Branding Myself For Life

2009-07-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

So last week I had mentioned how I had really wanted to get a tattoo on my wrist that said, "Trust in the Lord, always." And I had also detailed my family's visceral reaction upon finding out said ruminations and their absolute poo on the idea.

I mean, the day of my surgery, my mom broke down and said, "Ay, Smart Cookie, that's so LONG, I mean, if you want a reminder, why don't you just tattoo the initials? Hmmmm. What would that be? T. I. T. L., and A. Right? How about that?"

My response, "Seriously, mom? You don't want me to get a tattoo that says, 'Trust in the Lord, always, but TITLA? TITLA, is okay? No."

Anyhoodle, in between bedrest and reading and America's Next Top Model marathons, I've been searching online for some suitable alternatives to getting a tattoo.

My favorite kind of jewelry is bracelets. I love necklaces and earrings, too, but sometimes I'd just rather wear my everyday cross and studs than change 'em up. But, bracelets? Oh, I heart you.

So looky here:

These are my three choices. I'm partial to the one in the middle, because let's face it, it's the most Smart Cookie-ish, but I also like the other two. I have a teacher bracelet that's similar to the one on the top, and the black one I threw in because I thought the black and pink was a really cute combo.

So what do you think? Leave me some love and let me know.

Random-ity Rambles

2009-07-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day I ventured out since my surgery on Tuesday.

I only went to Forever 21. I hadn't been to the mall in three weeks. We've been on a pretty strict budget, but I gave myself permission to buy myself a post-op present. So I bought myself this:
I had seen it a couple of months ago, but they'd only had it in a large. Boo. Hoo. So I was super happy when I found it today. It fits really cute. Love. Love. Love.

I also loved this dress, but it was so short. Too short. Like, don't even breathe too deeply because people are going to see your panties when you make the slightest motion. Too bad for me, but really good for our budget.

I love this website. I would wear almost every dress on this site.

How cute is this? I would totally wear it. At $69.99, it's too pricey for me, but I love the fact that you can dress it up or down.

I came up with this idea two years ago when my nana was in the hospital, and everyone laughed. My mamacita told me it would be too messy. But look! Someone's making money!

This morning, I was flipping through the Bible, and I randomly stumbled upon these stories. I read this Bible story and this one. What is God trying to tell me? Financial security and a baby. I believe it and I receive it. :)

I'm almost scared to say it because the pessimist in me is worried about the other shoe dropping, but lately I've been feeling happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Thank you, Jesus.

Is It Supposed to Feel Like I'm Peeing Hot Magma?

2009-07-23T18:52:00.001-07:00

Surgery Recap:

I don't think this pill is going to work.
So I had my surgery on Tuesday, and as y'all know, I've been worrying about it for weeks, and that worrying hit a feverish pitch on Tuesday morning. Surgery was originally scheduled for 7:30 a.m., but I was called on Monday and told that it was pushed back until 11:30, which bothered me to no end, because duh, in my makes no sense brain, by 11:30, I would've already been done with surgery so pushing it back was interfering with the space/time continuum.

Plus, even though I was allowed to take my anxiety pill, I was anxious as all get out (hello? tube down my throat), and I had an argument with J before my mom picked me up, which ended with me snappily snipping, "I love you, bye!" Not the way I wanted to go into surgery. But, hello? I was nervous. Why was he antagonizing me? Why? For the love of all that's good and holy, why?

There's a hose that warms your butt while you wait.
I was admitted at about a quarter to ten. I had to change into a dressing gown and pull my hair back into a sexy little shower cap. This, plus my glasses and no make-up, obviously made me irresistible. Hospital chic, if you will. Because the facility is chilly, they've got these super cool hoses that you can put in a small hole in your gown and warm your butt! Or, um, the rest of your body if you so choose.

In the twenty years I've been doing this, it's never happened, and I don't expect you to be the first.

Mmmmmkay? My anesthesiologist's reaction when I asked him if he was sure, really, really sure, that I wouldn't wake up during the procedure.

Can you sign here, please? Things That Can Go Wrong -infertility, punctured lung, punctured bladder, blah, blah, blah.
WTF? Yeah, I signed it, but not before telling the nurse, "I'm going to be really pissed if this procedure makes me infertile. Just so you know. I'm here to work on getting a baby."

Oh. My. Word. I'm over it. Just roll me in.
I didn't go into surgery until 12:15, and by then I was soooo ready. It was like, just cut me up and get it taken care of, I don't even care if I'm awake.

What? It's over already?
All I remember is being rolled in and seeing all the white lights and hearing the music on the stereo and thinking how very Nip/Tuck it all was. Then I remember the IV feeling all boily in my hand, and when I said something I could taste the anesthesia in my mouth. And then I woke up all groggy and it was over.

Lava from my loins.
Once I woke up, the nurse asked if I needed to go to the bathroom. I was super surprised that it was really hard for me to walk, and I was super shocked when I peed and it felt like I was peeing hot magma. Did I sign up for a urinary tract infection? Apparently, it was just the catheter they had inserted to empty my bladder. Fun times.

My vagina is on vacation.
And other things I can't do. Bedrest for a few day. No exercise, sex, tampons (yeah, right), pool, beach or jacuzzi. The pool part is the only part that made me sad. I love the pool. I like the sex, too, don't get me wrong, but -doctor's orders!

Feeling good, feeling fine.
I felt awesome after surgery and had very little pain. The only side effect was the pain in my shoulders and chest every time I stood up, but that subsided after the first day.

My belly buton is taped up, that's where the doctor went in to check my tubes, and the tape will fall off by itself. I usually sleep on my belly, so on the first night I slept on my back because I was scared the tape would fall off and my guts would fall out. Drama, much?

I also have a cut a couple of inches below my belly button and above my baby hole, where the doctor went in to take out the polyp in my uterine cavity.

So far, everything is good. And I'm so grateful to my family and friends for their love, prayers, and well wishes.

Hope springs eternal.
I didn't speak to the doctor after surgery, because duh, I was incoherent, but he did speak to my mamacita. He took the polyp out and found that I did have some endometriosis, even though I never had any symptoms. And he cleaned up my girly parts.

So here's my wish. To the universe and to God. I would love to have a baby. And I hope this helps.

I Knew I Had Good Taste

2009-07-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

Do you guys read this website? I love it. Imagine my surprise when I found a link illustrating six different ways to wear this dress -that I'd worn just this week!

I wore this dress to a fashion show at the Liv nightclub in the Fountainbleau hotel. This is the hotel that hosted the Victoria's Secret fashion show last year. And it is way too posh for me. I had no idea that it was so fancy. I felt like a square peg. Like I could start singing that Sesame Street song, "One of these thing just doesn't belong here. One of these things just isn't the same."

My sister's boyfriend's sister is working as an intern for Miami magazine, and she got us on the guest list. Anyhoodle, I was excited about going. Because trust me, it's one of those clubs that I would have never been able to get into on my own. My cousin K said she and a couple of girlfriends came to club one night, "dressed to the t" and that they wouldn't let them in unless they each paid $100 cover charge.

I had no idea it was going to be held in a club. I thought the fashion show was going to be outside by the pool, so I did wish I'd just worn black and dressed a little fancier. Like pretty much everyone else. This dress is a little casual, and I hate being under dressed.

But, even though I got a lot of compliments on my dress (from my cousins), I felt that it made me look VERY THICK in the thigh and butt area. I'm thinking before I wear it again, I should take in the seams on the sides so that it's not so flowy and more straight line-y.

What do you think?

P.S. I finally got a chance to wear my new shoes.

Finding Winn-Dixie

2009-07-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today, J and I went grocery shopping. It was inevitable. We couldn't put it off any longer (I hate grocery shopping -especially with J. That boy likes to look at everything and he can stand in front of an item debating the cost forever.) because our refrigerator looked like this:

FYI: The milk had gone bad, J had drank all the coke (he likes to leave a smidge at the bottom because he hates throwing out the bottle), the big bag of frosted flakes is from J's job, and the other big bag is stuffed with sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies that one of J's accounts had given him yesterday (hence my tweets about sugar headaches resulting from an overindulgence in sugar cookies. Seven sugar cookies to be exact). Everything else? Condiments.

We usually shop at Publix, but my friend A had mentioned that Winn-Dixie was less expensive and had better deals, especially if you had a Winn-Dixie card, which is a little black card that enables you to get -duh, even better deals. We weren't able to get the card because the manager said he ran out of applications. But he kindly kept a card on hand for occasions like this.

So on our way to the store, I issued a challenge. The challenge was to keep our bill at $50. $75 including dog food. I'd read somewhere that for people on a budget, a good number to keep on hand for groceries was $100/person per month. That would be $200 smackaroonies a month.

Okay. So that didn't happen. We spent $119, including the dog food. When I looked at J, he just said,

"Babe, you didn't really think that we could spend $50. Are you crazy? We had nothing. Anyway, just think of it this way, we bought enough stuff to last two weeks! Plus, that includes the dog food, and your champagne and orange juice for your brunch tomorrow. I think we did really well."

And we did get some good deals. Pork chops were two for one -and the BEST deal was a 30 pound bag of dog food that retails for $30, but was on sale for $15! Yowza!

But. But of course, because it's J and me. We did have a little Charlie Brown moment. When I unloaded the groceries, I couldn't find the tuna, Coke, or spaghetti sauce (two for $5 and we eat pasta all the time). Turns out, when I was putting our groceries on the belt, there wasn't enough room, so I put some stuff on the little ledge. And that's where my stuff stayed. Boo. Hoo.

Anyhoodle, here's my fridge:

I still have to go to Publix to get some stuff tomorrow. I didn't like the deli meat at Winn-Dixie so I've got to get some sliced turkey and cheese. Plus the Coke and tuna that I'd left behind.

But the hardest part is over. No need to worry about me, cookies. We're fully loaded!

I Don't Like to Buy Anything I Can't Return...

2009-07-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

which is why despite the fact that I want a tattoo, I'm too much of a scared-y cat to actually get one.

Y'all know about my financial sad-face (which is not really super sad-face, I'm in no immediate danger of living under a bridge with nothing to keep me warm but all my clothes, some with the tags still on them).

Anyhoodle, besides my crazy pills, something that's been making me feel like not stabbing myself with a fork is this Bible verse:

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You; Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the rock eternal.
Isaiah 26:3 (I'm pretty sure)

Whenever I feel like jumping out of my skin or screaming at the top of my lungs or laying in the fetal position crying big, salty tears, I just recite this to myself, over and over and over (like a mental patient, you might say) until I feel better. And inevitably, I do.

So last night I made the mistake of watching L.A. Ink, which I never do, and I was kinda inspired by people and their tattoos and what their tattoos mean to them.

And I started thinking. I would love to get a tattoo on the inside of my wrist that says:

Trust in the Lord

always

My friend Nae Nae (love you, sister) even said she'd go with me.

I even wrote it in pen on my wrist, just to see what it would look like. And I kinda liked it.

But.

But J and everyone in my family hates the idea. They think tattoos are "skanky", "slutty", and "hoochie". Cookies, if you have tattoos please do not get all up in arms, this is a very Cuban way of thinking. And even though J's not Cuban, his argument is,

"You've gone 33 years (just like Jesus!) without marking your body -why do it
now?"

Yeah, this from the guy who wanted a flaming baseball on his bicep but it was too expensive, so now he has what looks like Mr. Peanut on his bicep because that's all he could afford.

Anyhoodle, like I said, I wrote it on my left wrist. And I asked my brother about it. He wasn't liking the idea not one little bit.

SC: So. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. What do you think?

SCB: Um.... NO! You crazy?

SC: No, I just think I want one.

SCB: Nuh-uh.

SC: It would be small.

SCB: Yeah? And where would you get it? I hope not on your ankle or something. Maybe somewhere private where only you could see it. Or you could only see it if you were in a bathing suit or something. As long as you couldn't see it when you were, you know, wearing clothes.

SC: It would be tasteful. It wouldn't be a Snoopy or a Betty Boop or something stupid like that with no meaning.

SCB: (Snorts) Yeah, I've seen lots of tasteful tattoos.

SC: How about my wrist? Look. It doesn't look bad! I wrote it in pen.

SCB: Oh, yeah? Well how about this? Just keep writing it in pen -don't get a fucking tattoo.

The End.

Deep sigh.

Confessions of a Drama Queen

2009-07-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

Cookies, please forgive me for terrifying you with my last post. My intention was not to strike fear in your ever-loving hearts that I was slowly wasting away with only a caramel apple empanada to fill my starving, distended belly. :)

We are just on a budget. And we are sticking to it come hell or highwater. And the way J's paychecks fall this month just make the beginning of the month more challenging. Plus, stupid cookie over here decided to pay some bills early and miscalculated the amount of smackaroonies we would need to have this week. Yes, I do teach the future of America.

But we get paid tomorrow, so you can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Thanks for the love.

xoxo

Fabulously Broke

2009-07-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Minus the fabulous.

This is how empty my refrigerator is, I am actually giving the dogs frosted flakes (the generic brand from J's company) as treats (OMG and they LOVE it, they've scratched my legs, jumping and clawing at the bag)and as incentive to get into their cages because I ran out of treats and have $1 to my name until tomorrow. I actually had $2, but last night I got the late night munchies and went to Taco Bell at 12:15 a.m. to get a caramel apple empanada, which I ate while driving back to the house.

We have been eating everything in our cupboards, and I have been taking food from my mom's house, with her permission of course.

I'm so glad tomorrow is payday.

Miami Social = WTF Am I Doing With My Life

2009-07-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. Word.

So Bravo has this new program called Miami Social, which started tonight. Critics panned it so I watched it without any expectations, but. It. Is. Awesome.

The only downside? I live in Miami, and my life is not one gazillionth as flashy, fascinating, exciting, or as anything as this.

Here is a sample of a day in the life of Smart Cookie:

Today I went to work, came home, took a nap, ate a slice of toast with peanut butter (not because I'm starving myself, I inhaled a huge piece of cake at my mom's house), and watched TV.

That's it.

I didn't do lunch. I didn't work out. I didn't go to the spa. I didn't go out to a fancy hotel for drinks. I didn't do nothing but live my suburban life. Nothing.

Deep sigh.

Laying in My Own Filfth

2009-07-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today I have done nothing but lounge in my bed, watching a Law & Order SVU marathon and surfing the internet.

And can I tell you a really gross and disgusting secret?

I haven't even brushed my teeth! Blech! Dirty girl!

I just haven't had the desire to do anything. And I totally should have because not having anything to do causes my mind to wander and dwell on stuff that it shouldn't and therefore heightens my anxiety. Boo! Hiss!

All I need is a couple of cats and piles of newspapers stacked around my bed and I'm one step away from the looney bin.

Deep sigh.

Tomorrow, a shower and then work. If I'm very ambitious, a workout.

But today? Dirty girl it is.

I Love Infomercials!

2009-07-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

I know it's probably not cool to admit this, but I LURVE me some infomercials. I've watched the PX90 commercial a zillion times. My cousin C and her boyfriend are actually doing the program. I'm sad that she will be thin and even more beautiful, but lately I have no desire to exercise, so I don't even have the will to care.

Anyhoodle, today as I'm flipping through the channels, I stumbled upon this little gem. How awesome does this look? Not only does it help improve your posture, but it also lifts your boobs and makes them look like luscious melons! As someone with tiny boobies, this is a MIRACLE!

Because of my new frugal state of mind, I'm not going to buy it (boo! hiss!), but a girl can dream.

Feeling Good

2009-07-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

SC: Bub, you're driving me CRAZY!

J: Well, that's why you're taking those crazy pills!

Oh, my little love muffin. Just because I'm taking my crazy pills doesn't mean that you should take advantage of any and every opportunity to make me crazy-er.

I started taking my crazy pills on Wednesday. I have to take them with breakfast, and so far the only side effects are some mild drowsiness and a teensy loss of appetite. I say teensy because I feel like the birth-control pills (which I stop taking today, thank God -yesterday I felt like my eggs were trying to kickbox their way out of my ovaries) which I have to take because of my upcoming surgery (to check my fallopian tubes to determine whether or not I have endometriosis and to remove a polyp from my uterine cavity. Don't the words uterine cavity gross you out? I hate saying them) have really increased my appetite.

Anyway. I'm feeling good. Maybe not this good. But pretty good, nontheless.I know that some of it is has to do with just knowing that I'm taking these pills. It makes me feel better because it feels like I'm attempting to do something about my situation. Because according to the doctor, it'll take about 3-4 weeks before I really start feeling better.

And the other part is that this whole craptastic extravaganza has caused me to redirect my focus toward my faith. And that my cookies, that has provided an overwhelming sense of peace and calm.

Like when my aunt turned down the perfect job (7.5 hours = $150/week) and told the people I was interested (which would've helped us out so much and would have ended my search for a part-time job), but then changed her mind and told me she was sorry to be an indian giver and took the job back. I was okay with it. Because I know that God is going to take care of me. I'm not saying that I don't have to do my part. But it is, what it is. And right now? I'm feeling good about it.

So let's run with that, shall we?

Thankfully...

2009-07-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

for my new budget, this dress is out of stock.

You see! There is a God! And He wants me to stick to my new budget!

This Is What Happens When I Make a Budget

2009-07-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

Oh? That's not what it's used for? Hmmmmm.

J and I have discussed our finances and have made a budget. This is how much money I spent today:

Co-pay: $35

Gas: $40

Lunch: $5-my grandfather gave me $5, but I left it in the car. Stupid girl. But I do have the $5 so I don't know if I should include it. Whatever. I had to run it through my debit card so I'll list it.

Oh, and as an aside, I bought a mango tropichiller from Pollo Tropical (my grandfather was buying), and in my new frugal state of mind, I was like, WTF? Three Dollars! THREE DOLLARS! That's how I know this budget thing is going to stick. Because before I would've been like, three dollars? That's nothing! I'm going to burn three dollars right now! And it didn't even TASTE like mango!

Crazy Pills (Plus cookies, plus cooking oil, plus two cans of tuna): $50

_______________________________________________

GRAND TOTAL: $130

Deep sigh.

Baby steps, cookies. Baby steps.

Well, If I didn't Need Them Before, I Sure as Fuck Need Them Now

2009-07-07T12:06:00.001-07:00

PROLOGUE
An excerpt from the drama, Smart Cookie Goes on Anxiety Meds

SCENE: Happy Hour at the local Chilli's

Cousin M.: Oh, thanks for waiting for me guys -I was at the doctor's FOREVER!

SC: What were you doing at the doctor? Getting a second opinion (M had a mass near her thyroid and had to have it removed)?

Cousin M.: Nope! (Holding up a pack of pills)I had to get these!

SC: What are those?

Cousin M: These are pills for my anxiety.

SC: How did you get them? Do you have to go to a special doctor?

Cousin M: Nooooooo. You just go to your GP and tell him you're anxious and he gives them to you.

SC: Hmmmm.

Cousin K: SC, aren't you on anxiety medication?

SC: Um, NO! Why? Do you think I should be?

Cousin K: Um, no. Not really. It's just that you seem like the type of person that would be on anxiety medication.

SC: WHAT?!!!!!

Cousin K: Not in bad way, you're just like a really anxious person.

Cousin C: SC, maybe it's not a bad idea.

Fast forward to today. I've been dealing with lots of stuff lately, stuff that came to a head last week and has raised my anxiety levels to new heights. I can't go in to detail, but rest assured it's stuff that by the grace of God J and I will get through.

Anyhoodle, I had a doctor's appointment this morning. I woke up a little groggy, and I honestly thought about skipping it. I've been praying and meditating and trying to get myself together, so I've been feeling a little bit better. And to be honest, the thought of lounging in bed was tres tempting. Especially when I had no idea when or where my doctor's appointment was.

But. I got up, got dressed, looked up the doctor's address on the internet, and set out.

K. First of all, I live in Florida, and it is mad hot here. Like Africa hot. I'd never been to this doctor's office before, but I had an idea as to where it was. I parked and began walking. And walking. And walking. This doctor's office is in strip mall AND I WALKED THE WHOLE MALL, sweating and stinking furiously, until I finally called the doctor's office and begged for directions. Another five minute walk, and I was there. Finally.

So I get there, cranky as all get out, sign in, and sit down. Thank goodness they had some old Seventeen magazines. While I'm there, I notice that a lot of the patients are children, but I don't think too much of it.

At 9:15, my mom calls,

Mom: Are you coming to work?

SC: What? Aren't you guys still on vacation?

Mom: No, I thought that's what we talked about yesterday.

SC: I thought we were talking about working next week. No problem. I'm on my way.

Mom: No, wait! Where are you?

SC: I'm at the doctor's office, but I'm already getting hysterical, I'll be there in five minutes.

Mom: Oh, no! You stay there! I'll get ready and go to work.

SC: No! I'm already ready to go! I'm walking toward the car!

Mom: Go back in there and get your stuff taken care of!

After half an hour, no one has called my name, no one has asked for my insurance card, no one has given me any paperwork to fill out. My appointment was at 9:00, and it was already 9:30.

So I go to the little window, and I ask for the paperwork. When I sit down, I realize that the paperwork asks about my child. K. No bambinos here. Confused, I continue to stare at the paperwork. I go back to the little window and ask the receptionist how I'm supposed to fill out the paperwork.

SC: What am I supposed to fill out for child? I don't have a child.

Receptionist: Just fill in the name of the child you brought.

SC: But I didn't bring a child.

Receptionist: So just fill your name under where it says mother.

SC: BUT I'M NOT A MOTHER!

Receptionist: Who are you here for?

SC: ME! I'm here for ME!

Receptionist: So why did you register to see the pediatrician?

SC: I DIDN'T register to see the pediatrician. No one helped me, that was the sign in sheet, so that's where I signed.

Receptionist: Oh. Okay. Well then just fill out this.

UGH!

K. So I fill out the paperwork, and when I give it to her, she says, "Smart Cookie, I'm sorry, but I called your insurance and it's inactive."

Kill me. Kill me now. I must have left my current insurance card at home. FML!!!

SC: All right, can I go home and get my other card? I'll be back in twenty minutes.

Receptionist: Ummmm. I don't know. Can't you have someone fax the information?

At this point I am in utter disbelief. Like I have a staff at home waiting for fax instructions. WTF? Are you kidding me?

SC: Um, no. I don't. But if you give me twenty minutes, I'll be right back.

Receptionist: The doctor is really busy. She's got a lot of appointments today.

SC: Really? Are you telling me that I can wait forty minutes for the doctor, but she can't wait twenty minutes for me? Is that what you're saying?

Receptionist: (All huffy) Well, as long as you come back in twenty minutes.

So. Back outside to the suffocating heat, walk the forever distance to my car, get in, speed home, and get my insurance card. Which, Cookies? Is the same fucking insurance card I gave the receptionist! So I'm hysterical, in my driveway, and I call the insurance company to make sure the card is valid, which of course it is. Of course.

By this time, I'm hysterical. If I could've kicked my own ass, I would've. I mean, this is the perfect scenario for anxiety medication. They couldn't have scripted it better.

So I go back. My insurance card (which is the same fucking card I first gave them) is valid. No shit. And then finally. Finally. They call me in.

Two hours from start to finish. And I'm not even going to tell you about my actual appointment.

These pills better be worth it.

This...

2009-07-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

is the only thing that keeps me from stabbing myself with a fork.

J, the love of my life is like xanax, sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane.

Better Than Ebay

2009-07-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

I found this new ebay-ish site, bonanzle.com. It's like ebay, but you can list your items for free and you only pay a fee when your items sell. It's super easy. I listed a bunch of stuff. Check it out.

Adios, Galleticas!

2009-06-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Off to the Dominican Republic!

xoxo,

Smart Cookie

I've Decided Against Sticking My Head in the Oven

2009-06-25T17:57:00.000-07:00

1. I am feeling so much better than I was on Monday. I received muchos love from y'all, my cookies in the blogosphere, my new (old) friends, and a beautiful letter from my BFC (best favorite cousin -I know, my cousin is an attorney and I'm a teacher and we speak like four year olds) titled, "Love for my BFC".

I made a doctor's appointment for the week that we return from the Dominican Republic (yay!) for my annual check-up and to beg, I mean threaten, um ask? for anti-anxiety pills. Because I think I have a problem, and the responsible thing is to take care of it. J is worried, of course. He thinks that I should be able to manage my anxiety, to which I responded,

"For the love of all that's good and holy -do you not know me at all?"

Hopefully I'll get the kind that make me skinny. Just kidding. Kinda. :)

2. I eat alot. That's no secret. On Monday, in a fit of self-loathing, I ate six donuts in the five minute drive from the grocery store to my house. I've gained 10 pounds in the last year and a half. I will concede that five of those pounds were necessary, because I did look like a bobblehead, but the other five are completely excess baggage. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I will NEVER fit into some of my old pants and that that may not be a bad thing.

Anyhoodle, I have to be on the pill for six weeks, and I'm telling you cookies, I was a piglet before, but these pills are making me a full-blown hog. I used to take them in the morning (one day I ate breakfast @ 8, snack @10:30, snack @ 11, snack @12, and then lunch (finally!) at 1), and I swear all I thought about was food. So now, I'm taking my pills at night. I started that yesterday, and I can already feel a difference.

3. Last night I saw The Proposal with my girlfriends. I had a great time with the girls(I'm hearting you guys!), and the movie was hilarious! Super cute, super charming, super worth it.

4. We're leaving for the Domincan Republic on Sunday. It's going to be our first real vacation in six years. We're both looking forward to days of lounging in the sun, cocktail in hand, loving each other.

5. I'm not going to see a psychic. I've realized that I have to stop being so controlling. The more I try to control my life, the more it spirals out of control. Okay, God, I get it. Stop hitting me over the head with this lesson.

6. You'll notice there are some Google Ads on the site. OMG. So funny. How is it that there are ads for Men's Lingerie and Men's Heels? Say what? Click on them and let me know if it's full out crazy.

T & A

2009-06-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

Did the title excite you? Ooooops! Just a typo. :) It's really Q & A -clever, right? No? You hate me now? Pervert.

I copied this survey from the super adorable Lesli, so buckle up, and enjoy the show.

What is your current obsession?

Right now I'm really loving maxi dresses, so I find I'm always on the hunt for those. Y'all know about my aversion to pants, and even though I have nice legs (I think, anyway), maxi dresses are comfy, casual and have the added bonus of making you look and feel put together. I bought a light purple maxi dress on Sunday from Love Culture for $15 smackaroonies.

This is one that I bought last month and haven't worn yet. I'm taking it on our trip to Santo Domingo next week, and I plan on being all bronze and toasty when I wear it. :)

What is your weirdest obsession?

I don't think I have any weird obsessions. I have a lot of strange idiosyncrasies, though. Like, if I'm going grocery shopping, I can't start in the frozen food aisle (far left side of the grocery store), I have to start in the dairy aisle (far right side of the grocery store), or I get all bajaggity.

Starbucks or Caribou?

Since I have no idea what Caribou is, and I originally thought it was from the deer/elk/moose family, I'd have to go with Starbucks. I'm not a big coffee fan, it gets me all breathless and hyped up, but I do love the strawberry frappuccino and the mango and banana smoothie.

What's for dinner?

Today we ate steak and mushroom rice. It was really delicious. I'm super lucky J is not a picky eater. Most of our meals include these ingredients: olive oil, mushrooms, zucchini, and onions, and we alternate steak, chicken, or pasta.

What would you eat for your last meal?

Pepperoni pizza from Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza and lobster with butter.

What was the last thing you bought?

Groceries.

What are you listening to right now?

The Bachelorette. I never watch this show, but there is nothing else on. At least until 9 when it's on to the Jon & Kate train wreck. Can't. Look. Away.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

I love Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone ice cream (I can eat a whole pint in one sitting) and Cold Stone's Birthday Cake Remix.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?

Probably one of these water huts in Fiji.

Which language do you want to learn?

Definitely Italian. I even bought a book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Learning Italian, but I really think learning a language from a book is almost impossible.

What is your favorite quote (for now)?

I'm really feeling the quote from Rocky.

What is your favorite color?

It depends on what we're talking about. I love pink and green and orange, especially for my house. Whenever someoene asks me what color they should paint a room, I always say a shade of green. But if it's for something I'm going to wear, I like blues and yellows and chartreuse.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe?

I wouldn't say I have one favorite piece of clothing. The majority of my clothes are inexpensive and therefore somewhat disposable. However, I do love all my dresses. They fit me well, and I always feel pretty in them.

Do you admire anyone's style?

Like Lesli, I heart Rachel Bilson and Lauren Conrad's style.

Describe your personal style.

For me, it's all about flirty dresses, dangly earrings, and an arm full of bangles.

What are you going to do after this?

Watch Chelsea Lately.

What are your favorite movies?

The Princess Bride, The Wedding Singer, French Kiss, My Best Friend's Wedding, The Hangover, Juno.

What is your favorite fruit?

Mangos. I also love mango juice in the morning with breakfast and mango martinis -delicious.

What inspires you?

I'm really inspired by certain quotes. Sometimes I read something or hear something from a movie, and I just think, "Wow, I totally get that."

What is your dream job?

I'd love to be a writer, and I'd like to grow my own home/fashion business.

What's your worst trait?

I'm too sensitive. I really let things get to me, and I have a tendency to wallow. Boo.

What would you do with $100?

I really want these bracelets from Forever 21. They're nowhere near $100, but it's a start. And a manicure and pedicure. And a massage. Gosh, $100 smackaroonies goes fast, huh?

What is your favorite book?

I love anything by Sophie Kinsella and Jen Lancaster. The Tale of Despereaux is a favorite, it makes me cry every time. Those are books that I could read over and over.

Do you collect something?

Nope, nada.

What is your favorite smell?

Vanilla, coconut, the beach.

What are you most proud of?

My marriage. I think that we're a good fit and that we strike a really good balance.

How many times do you press the snooze button before you get up?

As many times as it lets me before it shuts off by itself. I think that's about half an hour. I wish I were one of those people who wake up right away.

Cats or dogs?

Dogs. I've got three, and I love them. I find cats a little yucky.

Complete the following: Love is.....

hard work. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently.

What do you like best about yourself?

I'm a really loving, loyal person. And I've got a killer sense of fashion.

What do you like least about yourself?

My obsession with my weight, my super competitiveness, and my tendency to stress and worry about the teeniest things. I could go on and on, but I'm trying to work on my negativity. :)

The World is Out to Get Me...

2009-06-22T06:29:00.001-07:00

or welcome to my pity party.

1. Today I woke up to another huge piss puddle in the bedroom. Lucy, otherwise know as Leaky Faucets, peed in front of Whitey's cage. It happens. Every. Single. Morning.

2. I usually work on Mondays. I had already flat ironed my hair, put on my make-up, and was just about to change out of my granny panties (trying to avoid the dreaded visible panty lines)when my mom called. "Oh, are you working today? Yes? Hmmmm. I didn't call you, then. I thought I had mentioned that I needed you to work on Wednesday instead. Is that okay?"

Well, what am I going to say? No? So here I am. All dressed up and no place to go. I mean, I already went to the mall yesterday, and I'm too clean to clean, so what do I do with myself?

3. I used to be friends with S. We were carbon copies. And I really loved her. I'm not the easiest person to be friends with. I hate talking on the phone, fear of rejection usually prevents me from initiating plans, I'm incredibly anti-social, and I'm a little Rain Man particular about things. I know, right? Can't wait to be my friend? Move to the end of the line.

Anyhoodle, last year, S and her husband moved into a new house. They had a lot of parties and get togethers at their new house, and J and I were never invited. It bothered me (especially because J and S's husband were also friends, and they didn't forget to call J when they needed to borrow his work truck and help them move), but it was never a huge deal. Like I said, I'm pretty anti-social, and I don't need to be invited to everything.

Until her birthday.

S's birthday was the same day as my brother's wedding. The night before, I already had plans so J called S's husband to see what he was up to. And S's husband was all like, "Oh, we're having a barbecue for S's birthday. You didn't get the evite? Come on over."

Come on. You're not going to invite me to your BIRTHDAY? And you call me your BFF? No. No. No. And that was it. It was over. Because as difficult as it may be to be my friend, my friends know that I will literally cut a bitch if someone hurts them. Not on my watch. They're part of my gang, and like the Crips or the Latin Kings (without the poor fashion choices, life of crime, and unnecessary violence) they have my undying love and loyalty. But once I feel that a line has been crossed, it's over. And there's no going back.

So now I find out that she's pregnant. And I'm happy for her because I'm not a total evil bitch.

But, cookies? I'm sad for me.

4. Why is it that when I feel like I have a plan (I love plans and schedules and order), something always happens to fuck it up? Really? No, really?

And it's not even 10 fucking a.m.

How I Get Babies to Love Me

2009-06-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had brunch with my girlfriends, A, C, and CG. It was super fun. First of all, CG hosted this"Bookless" Book Club brunch at her place, which was a-frickin-dorable, all decorated in shades of blue, with cream and dark brown. Two words, loved it. And the food was delish and so fancy. Come to my house and all you'll get is some cheese cubes, crackers, and grapes. And that's it! If you're lucky.

Anyhoodle, C brought her two sons, C-man and Jordan, who are both too cute for words. But my favorite, probs because he was too little to run away from me screaming, was Jordan. Jordan is the perfect baby, chubby and delicious and BEAUTIFUL. Unfortunately, Jordan suffers from a serious case of MAMA-itis and does not like to be held by strangers.

But I wanted to hold that yumminess, so I lured him to me with my jangly bracelets, very similar to these (which I totally want BTW):
And this was the bestest part (besides holding this little piece of heaven, of course). I will never forget when that little monkey put his hands on my face and rested his forehead against mine.

Oh. My. Word. Get me one of these -STAT!

So now I know the secret. I'm like the baby whisperer. And all it took was a bunch of gypsy bracelets. Go figure.

P.S. I also jiggled that little muffin to sleep, and the few minutes he slept on my chest were priceless. God, I so want one of those.

Status Update: Brood-ish

2009-06-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

THING ONE:
Today I ran into Mrs. LeDouchetard at my place of worship: the mall (I know, I know, one week and I'm already off the wagon -we'll get to that another day). I had just stepped out of Old Navy and was walking toward DSW when I saw my former student, and Mrs. LeDouchetard's son, sitting on a bench. He totally saw me (kids are so funny when they see their teachers out of school -it's like, "Wow! They let you out!") so there was no way I could keep on walking without saying hi. Because, you know that if I would have done that, he'd tell her that I saw him and just walked by, and she'd be pissed at me for that, too, even though she'd rather swallow nails than say hello to me and make me pay for it for the rest of my damn life.

Anyhoodle, I gave Mini-Douche(He's a really a cute kid and his only fault is being related to his devil parents, therefore making him lose his cutie-ness and render him the spawn of those who will not be named) a kiss, and I gave one to Mrs. LeDouchetard as well. She was looking the other way, so she wouldn't have seen me at all (Damn you DSW! You were just a stupid, mindless whim!).

Cookies, I hope that my smile was not HALF as fake as hers. Because if it was, it was blatantly obvious that we hated each others' guts. I made some chit chat, which was the longest damn minute of my life, and then I hightailed it out of there without a look back.

And here is what I'm ashamed to admit. My body had a visceral reaction to seeing this woman. The minute I walked away, my body started shaking and my breathing and heart rate became super accelerated.

And, why? I hate (okay, seriously dislike) this woman, and I don't want her to have this power over me. And I've been thinking about it all day because even if this random scenario wouldn't have affected me emotionally, how the hell would I have not let it affect me physically?

Cookies, body shaking, fast breathing, heart pounding. Totally Fight or Flight Syndrome.

This sounds so lame, but I really want to forgive this woman, build a bridge and get over it. But how? How, cookies? How?

THING TWO:
So I'm a Christian right? Total member of the Jesus club (Yeah, yeah. That whole forgiveness thing is still a bitch even as a believer). But lately, I've been wanting answers, and even though I know I should be praying for answers, I don't want to have to wait, and I want to HEAR answers. Now.

So.

I want to see a psychic. No. Actually, I'm planning to see a psychic on Wednesday.

But it's totally against my faith because, duh -Christianity is based on trusting God not humans.
So I'm torn. Totally torn. And I don't know what the poop to do.

And get this. You know how I said I want to HEAR answers? After I made plans to see the psychic, THE NEXT DAY, the message on the daily inspirational thoughts calendar was.... are you ready for it?

If you are seeking answers, do not turn to the internet, or the latest
trends or technology, ask God, and he will give you the answers.

FML, right?

Deep sigh.

Hence the status update. I'm feeling broody.

Feel free to weigh in.

Shoes? Yes, Please!

2009-06-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, I mentioned that I was going to reinstate the shopping ban*, with the one exception of these shoes:

But these shoes were $99.95. So, um -no. Because although I'm not averse to spending $100 on a pair of shoes (not that I have a closet full of $100 shoes or anything) I am not going to throw away $100 on a pair of shoes that although I seriously love, I have no idea how to incorporate into my daily wardrobe.

Plus, although I loved them in gold, they were a little, how do I say? Cha Cha Digregorio-ish.

So even though I went to the mall on Tuesday in order to purchase them with my 20% Macys discount card, I just couldn't.

But today? Oh. Happy. Day. I went to Macy's to return a top I had bought while delusional (I must've been in a frenzy when I bought it because it was. So. Not. Me.), I sauntered by the shoes and these babies were $69.95!

Shut your mouth and say it isn't so!

So I tried them on in gold (I know, right? I'm so frickin' persistent. Like a dog with a bone.) and in black**. And surprisingly enough, I fell in love with the black ones. Ooooooh. They is so pretty!

And I was able to use my discount card so I actually saved $43.

*I would've broken the shopping ban on Tuesday because I found a super cute bikini (I know, I know -like a hole in the head) for $16.99 but it didn't fit me. And some super cute Michael Kors wedges, but since I had planned on buying the aforementioned shoes, ixnay.

And today, I would've bought a buttload of crap but nothing fit and Jesus said, "No, you don't need it." And I listened.

**I don't have many pairs of black shoes. I have two pairs of black pumps, one pair of black flats (of which I can only find one, the other must be under the bed), and one pair of black sandals. So I was super surprised at how much I loved the black shoes. But they made my calves look FIERCE, cookies. FIERCE.

Clothes Call

2009-06-15T20:52:00.001-07:00

Since J is out of town, I made plans with my work BFF, S, to go to the Melting Pot for dinner, because usually when J is out of town I hardly eat anything (yeah, screw you, scale -let's watch the numbers go down, motherclucker!), while he eats out for every single meal, and by the time he comes home, I'm starving for restaurant food and sick of turkey sandwiches, and he just wants to eat a home-cooked meal.

Anyhoodle, Monday night is ladies' night (for the month of June -things change in July so call your local MP for details) at the Melting Pot. You can get the cheese, the chocolate, and a drink (alcoholic -woohoo!) for $20/person. Can we say, "Hello, fat pants?" Plus, S had a giftcard with $17 smackaroonies left on it, so with tip and all, we only paid $17.50 each, and it was DE-LI-Cious. Totally worth it.

I wasn't really sure what to wear, so I wore what I thought S would wear -jeans, a cute top, and flats. Mind you, I had completely forgotten my vow to make it a pants-less summer. I mean, I don't think I ever expressed my pants-less intentions in so many words, but, as I was writing this, I had an epiphany, and I realized that even though I never vocalized it, a pants-less summer is what I've aspired to.

I'll be honest. Today, I was feeling a little not so pretty (okay, ALOT not so pretty). I feel like I get a quota of pretty days every week, and I'd definitely reached my limit. My hair was a little, eh. I usually wash it every other day, and usually not at all Thursday - Saturday (I know, I know, I'm so dirty), but I've washed and blowdried my hair for the last three days.

So not only am I feeling like I got beat with the ugly stick, but I'm wearing a very cute, but a very un-Smart Cookie-ish outfit. And what is S wearing, pray tell? S is looking adorable in a maxi dress. And I fell all out of sorts because I should have been wearing a dress, too! I've only got a zillion. And at least five (OMW -don't judge me) that I haven't even worn yet! Not only that, but I didn't really accessorize because I didn't think S would, but she was wearing the hoop earrings and the sparkly bangles, and I. WAS. NOT.

Boo. Hiss.

I hate when that happens. And it happens all the time! Because you know what? Instead of dressing however the heck I want -which let's face it cookies, is in a dress and all shiny-ed out, I overthink it. And overthinking it never makes me happy. Ever.

Because when I dress like myself, I always feel good. Like yesterday. My girlfriends and I went to visit Mr. Moneybags at the Canyon Ranch Hotel in Miami Beach. He actually lives there, and the place is unbelievable.

Anyhoodle, I asked Mr. Moneybags what would be appropriate attire, and he said to wear "resort" wear (yeah, not that it matters, but for the record -he's gay). So I wore a dress. And I was happy. Even though my girlfriends were wearing shorts and t-shirts. Why? Because I wore what I wanted.

When will I learn to do that all the time?

J-isms

2009-06-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

After our pool time, we got all clean and fancy and went to the movies to watch The Hangover, which was fucking awesome. I know, I said it. I never swear, but it was.

As an aside, Bradley Cooper is my new boyfriend. This is one tasty piece of man meat.

Anyhoodle, back to the story. This preview was shown before the movie started:

To which J said (just keep in mind that I am reproductively challenged),

"Hmmmm. And that's why we're not going to adopt."

Which was pretty hilarious and exactly what I was thinking.
Now don't leave me any comments waxing poetic about adoption. J and I have discussed it, and we really will consider it more seriously once I get my lady business cleaned up. So there.

Deep sigh. I love that boy something awful.

Mission Impossible

2009-06-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend, J and I had planned to go to my parents' pool. Boohoo for us, when we got to my parents' house (my parents, along with my sister and her boyfriend were spending the weekend at the house in Marco Island), my aunt, uncle, and cousins' cars were parked in the driveway. Apparently, their house was being tented for termites, and my mom had very graciously let them stay at the house.

So. That meant that J and I had to abort our plan, which was this: inflate our pool at my parents' house, and put the inflatable pool in the pool. We had been looking forward to it. All. Week.

Instead, we had to turn around and GO HOME. My mom was all like, "What was your plan? You could've still gotten in the pool." And when I replied, "No. We didn't want people around." My mom said, "Ohhhh."

Ugh.

"Mom! We weren't going to have sex in the pool (not with people around, anyway)!"

Then I filled her in our plan.

To which she responded, "Oh, that would've never worked. Trust me. Can you inflate the bottom of your pool? No? Well then, let me tell you, you guys would've drowned. How do I know? We tried to do that one time at the beach and the pool closed in around us like a tortilla and we almost drowned. Sorry to disappoint you, but just think of it this way -you didn't miss anything."

Hmmph.

On a brighter note, J, always the problem solver, inflated the pool in the backyard AND THEN FILLED IT WITH BUBBLES. That's right, BUBBLES. Oh. My. Word. So fun!

I won't tell you what else went down. Let's just say we had a great time. :)

And the Winner Is....

2009-06-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

Drumroll, please....

Email me your address, and I'll send you your goodies this week!
Thanks for playing!

Rocky is a Prophet....

2009-06-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

and a lot of other random stuff I think you should know.

The other night, J was watching Rocky VI, and because I love J and wanted to spend time with him, I was watching it, too. It was actually a pretty good movie. I mean, nothing I'd pay to see in the movies, but I'd definitely watch it again on TV. Anyhoodle, there's this scene where Rocky is talking to his son (the super delicious Milo Veng-whatever, my secret boyfriend) and he says this:

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine
and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough
you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you
let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about
how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and
keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.
That's how winning is done!
This is my new mantra. I love it. Love. It.

Shopping Ban. You are hereby reinstated. I am back on the wagon. Oh, lordy I went on a bender, and I cannot stand myself. I'm hoping to make it to July 19th. The day before the day before my surgery. I am counting on God and y'all to keep me accountable. And maybe on vacation. J and I are going to the Dominican Republic, but I doubt I'll buy anything there. We'll see. K. So no buying stuff in the United States before July 19th.

Look at these shoes. Oh. My. Word. I. Want. Them.

These are the only things I will give myself permission to buy during the aforementioned shopping ban. Because they are BEAUTIFUL.

You know how last week I was feeling all panic-y and anxiety-ish and miserable? Well. I started exercising again, not to lose weight, mind you, just for the express purpose of knocking my ass out so that I could sleep. And, oh how it has worked! I have been sleeping like a log! A log I tell you. Now I don't want to lie to you, I am hoping to lose some poundage, but I'm not weighing myself obsessively and I still exercise even if when I do weigh myself my weight is higher that I'd like. Because sleep? Ooooooh, it's sooooooo good.

Because of the surgery that I have to have, I have to be on the pill. I haven't been on the pill in like, six years? Maybe seven? Anyhoodle, yesterday I went to the pharmacy to pick up my pills and FML, do you know how expensive birth control is? Forty effing dollars! Shut your mouth and say it isn't so! I about had a heart attack. And then today, when I took my first pill, I almost died when I read the side effects. Okay, so you won't have a baby, but you could gain weight (oh the irony!), get blood clots, get cancer, have dry eyeballs, blah, blah, blah. Oh, really? Great.

Snoopy, the other love of my life, is shedding chunks of hair. Like, I don't even need to brush him, because when I do brush him, he can't sit still and is looking at me and thinking:

Mommy, are we gonna play with that thing? Are you gonna throw it? Do I just have to grab it out of your hand? No? How about if I move to my left? To my right? How about if I just look at you? Are you almost done?

I can just grab the tufts of hair from his body. And. It. Never. Stops. Ever. Never.

I'm looking forward to oodles of fun this weekend! J and I are going to spend the day at the pool and then maybe go to the movies tomorrow. And Sunday, J is going away on business (boo! hiss! I'll miss him so much, but I'm a loner, and I can handle being by myself), and after I drop him off at the airport, I'm going to spend the day with some friends at the spa. That's right, cookies! One of my friends actually lives at the Canyon Ranch Hotel in Miami Beach. Mr. Moneybags has invited me and some other old school friends to be his guests and I. Can't. Wait.

Plus, tomorrow we find out who the winner of my surprise giveaway is! Can you handle it?

Tag, You're It

2009-06-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

From the super sweet Angela Darling, who always leaves a thoughtful comment (I really look forward to those!) to my posts. And since it's all about me (obviously), I lurve her.

Share six unimportant things that make you happy:

1. Trying on shoes. I prefer trying on new shoes (like at the store), but I have so many pairs of lovelies that don't often get to see the light of day. I like putting them on and admiring my stems a la Cher.

2. Toffee bars. J and I got hooked on Symphony toffee bars. The bars (the big ones, anyway) have like, 1,000 calories. Delicious. Will I ever be skinny again? Never, apparently.

3. Reality tv. Bravo, what would I do without you? Die. Probably.

4. Twilight, the movie. Was it the best movie? No, not really. But I love watching it, especially the kissing scene. I could watch it over and over and over, and I do.

5. J's funny comments. Like this:

SC: Bub, we have like no money until next week because of the way our pay cycles fall this month. The drycleaning bill was $48! What are we going to do?
J: Well, at least it wasn't $1300.
SC: $1300? What are you talking about it? Why would our drycleaning bill be even close to $1300?
J: That's what you said.
SC: That's what I said? What are you talking about?
J: Don't you remember? On Saturday you said, "I'm taking so much stuff, it'll probably cost $1300. Or our first born child. Whatever comes first."
SC: Oh. That's pretty funny.
J: I thought so.

6. Sunshine. Nothing better than a sunny day without a cloud in the sky.

Technically, I've gotta tag some of y'all, but I'd rather not. If you've got the time, and you're so inclined -do it. It's super fun!

Facebook is the Devil

2009-06-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

Okay. Here's the deal-i-o. I heart Facebook. Facebook totally satisfies my need for human interaction without the, um, actual interaction. Because let's face it, with my self-diagnosed social anxiety disorder and my pathological aversion to the phone, I am not the easiest person to be friends with. I mean, seriously. I've got quirks and idiosyncrasies up the ying-yang.

Anyhoodle. Facebook allows me to keep in touch and feel connected to people. I love the status updates, I spend lots of time going through photo albums, and sometimes, if I'm so inclined, I'll even comment on a status update. What can I say? I enjoy it.

Oh. But now? Now my work people have become my Facebook friends. At first, I just had my friend S, or as I like to call her, my work BFF. I tell her everything anyway, even the not so kosher stuff, so she's no problemo. And then there was B. Because she's leaving and moving upstate, I added her without a second thought.

Oh, but it never stops! I've added one other coworker and a parent (whom I love so it's not a big deal) and what's bugging me is that these people are friends with Mrs. LeDouchetard. And even though my profile is set to private, and I've changed all my photo settings to just FRIENDS, as opposed to FRIENDS & FRIENDS OF FRIENDS (eat your heart out ex-boyfriend), and FML I don't want everyone knowing my private business, and maybe (super paranoia kicking in) sharing it with that dumb bunny. It's lbeginning to feel ike that episode of Seinfeld where the gang starts hanging out with Susan, and it drives George crazy. "A Smart Cookie divided against herself CANNOT STAND!"

And then, the final straw. Being crazy, I (naturally) have an affinity for other crazies. And because like minds seek like minds, I am a crazy magnet. You know those parents that drive teachers crazy (not in a Mrs. Douchetard mean, nasty, I'm really a bitch way)? Those parents LOVE me. Why wouldn't they? I'm fluent in crazy. Anyhoodle, I have a parent I'll call, Mrs. Super Crazy, and she friend requests me this morning. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

Oh. Hell. No.

Now, it's not that I don't like Mrs. Super Crazy. But I have to draw the line somewhere. There's work Smart Cookie. And there's non-work Smart Cookie. And this whole thing is making me bananas. I don't want to have to worry about work in my free time. Gosh, have you not read this blog at all? I worry all the time anyway! I don't need any extra piled on.

So what should I do? Should I just start deleting people? Help!

Off The Wagon

2009-06-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

Confession Time: I am totally off the no-shopping wagon. With a vengeance, cookies. Like a Die Hard vengeance. But rather than wallow in my relapse, I'm going to let y'all benefit. Now, isn't that super sweet of me?

K. So today I went to the mall under the pretense of buying my niece a present for her birthday, which is on Monday (can I get a what-what? no? okay then). I started at Forever 21, duh. It's like my equivalent of a crack den. A little disappointed in the selection, but I bought myself a little dress (that I needed like a hole in the head), a yellow sweater (because I loved the color), and some dangly earrings.

Voila. These I seriously heart.

I immediately had buyer's remorse (for the clothes). But too late. Once that credit card goes through, it's all about the store credit.

Then, I went to Love Culture. Which I don't really dig. It's like a tackier Forever 21, but I found this dress in yellow, and in the perfect length, and for $12.80! Shut your mouth and say it isn't so!

THEN, I went to Charlotte Russe, which I never ever go to, but I had seen something from Charlotte Russe in either Lucky or People StyleWatch, and I thought I'd give it a whirl. It was a bust, but you win some, you lose some.

So you'd think I'd be done, right? Oh, cookies, do you not know me at all?

Next stop: Kmart. To be honest, I was only going to Kmart to buy a float for the pool and a book, but while I was there, I got distracted by the clothes. Yes, cookies. THE CLOTHES. Kmart actually had some pretty cute stuff. The prices were a little, eh. I mean, for some reason, I expected Kmart to be super cheap. Like $3 cheap. But. But it's not that cheap. Anyhoodle, I tried on a bunch of stuff, but I only walked with a super cute pair of yellow and white short shorts. On sale. $12.49!

Deep sigh. That was it. I hope you've learned something. At the very least I hope you come away with the knowledge that Kmart doesn't suck. At least not completely.

K. Time to get back on the wagon.

P.S. If you have not entered my surprise giveaway -what the heck are you waiting for? It's free for goodness sakes. Get it together, and just do it!

Free Presents? Yes, Please.

2009-06-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

Because I've been feeling muchos better, I thought it would be fun to have a surprise giveaway. I stole this super fun idea from Lesli (who's totally adorable, and one of those people that the only bad thing you can say about them is that they are just too frickin' adorable), and even though I didn't win her giveaway(boo! hiss!), the possibility of winning was tres exciting.

So here are the rules:

Leave me a comment with your favorite movie quote by Friday, June 12th. I'll announce the winner on Saturday, June 13th. Here's the good news. Only a few people read this blog (I wish it were more, but it's good for you!) so you have a really good chance of winning!

And what will you win, pray tell? Well, I'm not sure yet. But it will be an assortment of goodies that you'll receive in the mail. And it's free!

So what are you waiting for?

Let the fun begin!

Panic Button

2009-06-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've always joked about being crazy, but this week, I've really felt crazy -like the lock me up in a padded cell, take away all sharp objects, put on the fuzzy mittens, and medicate me crazy. That kinda crazy.

Let me fill you in.

I can't go to sleep at night because my mind is racing. Filled with stupid, random, inconsequential thoughts. Thoughts that I cannot turn off. Thoughts that prevent me from sleeping when my body is crying for sleep. This is the only thing I'm thinking about when my mind is racing, "For the love of God -shut the eff up!" But I can't. And I don't. So I don't sleep.

This new development (recent, even though I've suffered from insomnia in the past) has caused me to dread sleep, or the lack thereof, and I've had to resort to taking Tylenol PM. I'm not taking it every night, but I've taken it twice this week because I needed to sleep.

And when I'm awake, besides being exhausted -obviously, I'm anxious, panic-y, short of breath, and feeling like I'm about to suffocate. Throw in a bit of brief, but hysterical crying jags, and all signs point to NO FUN.

I'm a mess, right? During the day, it's my body that's freaking the frig out, and at night it's my big ol' brain that just WON'T STOP.

Depression and anxiety run in my family. I've had episodes before, but this time, I'm a little worried.

I've talked to J about it (I feel normal when I'm with him, but unless I'm planning on skinning him and wearing him like a coat, I can't depend on him making me feel better), and I've told him that if I don't feel like myself next week, I'm going to see a doctor, which he is really not pleased about. He doesn't want me to feel like this, but the thought of being medicated makes him nervous. Understandable. But the thought of living like this makes me nervous.

Because I like to joke about having my finger on the panic button, but actually having my finger on the panic button is a total bitch.

Genius! In theory, of course....

2009-06-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

So this recession sucks, right? And everybody and their mother is looking for ways to make some extra smackaroonies -and this cookie is no exception. I've tried to sell stuff on ebay -a big FU to the person who bid on my crap and never contacted me about payment, and I've thought about selling everything -Dove Chocolate, Mary Kay, Avon, but... bleh. Not super interested.

I have a friend who sells Dove Chocolate, and for an initial investment of $100, you make 25% of everything you sell. Cool, no? I mean chocolate is a multi-million dollar industry. A sure thing. Um, yes, but. But, when I buy chocolate, I buy it at our local grocery store. I don't buy it at a chocolate party. And guess who would be hosting these chocolate parties? Me, that's who. Which is not really the problem. But it's a lot of work. Mostly because I wouldn't be selling candy bars, I'd be selling chocolate products. And I'd have to make all the stuff. Can we say hello 10 pounds, goodbye any pants sans elastic waists? Not for me. A la soup nazi, NEXT!

Mary Kay works similarly, but after the initial investment, you make 50% of everything you sell. Great, right? Well, in theory. Who uses Mary Kay? I buy most of my makeup at the drugstore.

And Avon? They have cute stuff. But I'm just not really interested. You might as well be asking me to sell water filters. Bleh.

Plus! The problem with all of these is that I'd be harrassing my friends and family to buy stuff from me just to, well, buy stuff from me.

And then, like the heavens opening up, it hit me!

I am passionate about clothes. What if, I could find a direct sales company for clothes? I know, right? Effing GENIUS! I love clothes, I love shopping, I love helping people shop for clothes, I love it ALL! I could even transform my little used dining room into a dressing area, complete with mirrors, rolling racks, and a changing room. It would be adorable!

But after some research, the only clothing companies that are direct sales clothing companies are too expensive and a little stuffy. I mean, if I don't spend $100 on a dress, there's no way that I would convince anyone else to do so. Plus, with Forever 21? Forget it. I'd need to find cute stuff priced between $30 - $60.

Deep sigh. Back to the drawing board.

Really?

2009-06-02T19:36:00.001-07:00

So I'm on polyvore, trying to make a cute set to post to the blog for an entry I'm writing, and I can't get the stupid thing to publish, when I accidentally stumble on to an e-mail I received. Exciting, right? Maybe it's from a fan. Someone who loved my two previous sets so much, she just had to write me a little note of adoration.

No.

It's this e-mail:
smartcookie♥ wrote 16 days ago Reply Block smartcookie♥ View conversation (1)
hi its SMARTCOOKIE can u plz change your name cuz its the SAME as mine!! i dont wanna be mean but i like to be different and i dont like when people TAKE my ideas or NAMES!!!!

Oh, hell to the no!

That's like me being pissed with Claudia Schiffer for taking my name. Um, yes, Claudia? Can you please change your name because it's the same as mine. What? Huh? No.

So I wrote back:
How do you know that you didn't take MY idea or name? I'm not going to change my name, but you can change your name, since you like to be different.

Stupid grammatically challenged teenybopper. She can go suck it for all I care.

My Kind of Party

2009-05-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

Last night we celebrated my cousin C's 30th birthday with a luau-themed party that was totally reminiscent of an episode of MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen, complete with "talent" (I'm not sure who they were, but several guests had heard their songs on the radio) and a celebrity guest DJ, DJ Laz, who often collaborates with Pitbull and Flo'rida -totally ghetto, but totally awesome, especially if you're 305.

Anyhoodle, while I was there, my cousins and some friends and I were chatting about our shopaholic tendencies, and we totally related to having stuff with the tags still on them in our closets, and a strange aversion to wearing our new clothes because we didn't want to "waste" them.

I'm super guilty of this. I buy super cute stuff with the intention of wearing it totally casually on regular, random days, and then I never do.

So we thought it might be fun to have a "dress up" party. Invite some cookies to come over with some of their cute clothes and have a grown up dress up party. Doesn't that sound like fun? I'm starting to plan it, and I can't wait!

Pet Peeves

2009-05-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

D.I.D. (Douche(s) in Disguise): This is a person that comes into your life -maybe as a friend, or a boy/girlfriend and s/he is really a butthole masquerading as a nice, normal person. These people seem cool/normal/kind/great, but their behavior is just a ruse to get you to trust them so that they can later work their evil mojo whammy on your unsuspecting ass. For example, Mrs. LeDouchetard and I used to be friendly acquaintances. I know, right? Quel surprise! Although we worked in the same place, our duties were so different, we rarely had time to interact. However, we would chat in the halls, and when she was pregnant with her last child, even though I hardly knew her, I bought her a small gift. Anyhoodle, we know how that relationship evolved. And I totally attribute it to the fact that she is a D.I.D.
This Recession: Jeez, Louise. Let's get the ball rolling, people! The economy sucks. I GET IT! I'm living it for goodness sakes. Let's start looking at the bright side before I kill myself, mmmmkay?
People Who Wear Street Clothes to the Gym: No. No. No. You should not be wearing jeans to work out. Let me break it down for you this way -it's an abomination. If you're working out in pants or shorts that have a button or zipper, it's time to invest a couple of dollars in elastic waistband pants. Oh, and as an aside. I don't want to see your tight-y white-ies when you're doing your Jean Claude Van Damme stretches on the treadmill in front of me. Keep moving, guy. Nothing to see here.
The Lady at the Deli: I'm a super nice customer. Super. I'm polite, I wait my turn, and I'm all smiley and please and thank you-y. So. When I order my Boar's Head Maple Glazed Turkey, and I ask for it SHAVED, I don't want it SLICED. And when I kindly point out that I asked for it SHAVED, I don't appreciate you giving me a dirty look and telling me that it is SHAVED when it is clearly NOT. And when, because I am a scaredy-cat, I backdown and accept this "shaved" turkey and tell you, "Thank you. Have a nice day.", I don't appreciate that pissy look on your face and your refusal to wish me the same. You win, deli lady! You win! No need to be a bitch about it.
Dog Hair: I've got three dogs. And these mothercluckers shed like nobody's damn business. Snoopy is loosing friggin' PATCHES of fur. Add white tile, and all I can say is, "Welcome to my nightmare."
Dogs +Rain+Mud=Kill Me Now: The weather has been awful (That's another pet peeve, but I'll leave this one here). The morning starts out sunny, and then by 10:30/11:00, it starts getting dark and cloudy. Because the dogs are indoors during the day, when I get home from work, I like to let them hangout in the backyard after they eat. Snoopy hates being outside when it's raining, but last week, I peered outside, and he was actually standing in the rain instead of lounging under the covered patio. Hmmmm. And then I made the mistake of taking a nap and leaving the dogs outside. When I woke up, Snoopy was by the sliding glass door, covered head to paw IN MUD. He was BLACK. I had to hose him down and dry him off. Ugh.
Mrs. LeDouchetard: Really? I need to get over this. But this bitch is like a thorn in my side. She's my friggin' white whale, the albatross around my neck (that's for all you literary types). Just thinking about her riles me up. Thankfully (and this goes against the whole purpose of a pet peeve list), I don't have to see her for 2 1/2 months.

K, I feel so much better now.

Random-ity Randomness

2009-05-28T18:00:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the fertility specialist. It was just a follow-up visit, so that he could tell me what course of action we'd be taking. I have to have surgery to have a polyp removed, and while he's doing that surgery, he might as well do a laproscopy as well. Okay, then. So he's telling me about the surgery, and he's freaking me the frig out. I knew I'd have to be under, but I didn't know that while I was under, they'd have to put a TUBE DOWN MY THROAT TO MAKE SURE I WOULD KEEP BREATHING. You know, just in case I STOPPED BREATHING. Wtf? Really? I started crying just thinking about it. Anyway, after a routine ultrasound, my doctor's chatting with me, and then he says this, which was so funny, "Okay, so you'll call me when you get your period and then we'll start you on birth control. Or, you may not call me, you know? Your body might be so freaked out by the surgery that you might produce a SUPER EGG, get pregnant, and not have to have the surgery." Oh. My. Word. LMFAO.

Weighed my self on a hospital scale and I weighed 134.4. Good. Not great. But better than I expected.

Tomorrow I'm going to Marshall's to buy J a Hawaiian shirt for my cousin C's 30th birthday party luau. Apparently, there's going to be costume nazi, patrolling the party. But I don't care. I'm not wearing a grass skirt and coconuts.

Lately I've been eating spaghetti. Delicious. My in-laws make fresh sauce -eh, but I like Ragu. Which is an abomination to them. :)

My grandmother is finally home after having been in the hospital for two weeks. And, read this. She is SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN. She's been threatening to die, which I totally understand because the medicine she's on makes her dizzy and nauseous. Imagine being permanently hung over. According to my uncle, when she woke up on Monday, she asked him if she was in heaven. When he said no, she got pissed and refused to speak to him. Hmmmm. Wonder if it's genetic?

School is OVER! Yay for me. And, even though the paycut is still hurting, when I did the math, I realized that I had gotten a bonus this year for having all of my certifications. Well, since that money was "new" money, and I'd never had it, if I subtract that amount from what's being deducted, it's a little less devastating.

I finally figured it out. I am Bethenny and Mrs. LeDoucetard is Kelly. Totally.

Tomorrow's goals -workout, clean house -which I LOATHE, and visit my nana.

Could I BE any more boring?

Le Sigh

2009-05-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

So. When I was thinking of writing this post, I started thinking about the scariest words in the English language -except for death or dying or any variation thereof, because duh, those are the granddaddies of awful words.

Anyhoodle, here's my list (in no particular order):

foreclosure
debt
layoff
recession
cancer
infertility
miscarriage

And today's word of the day: paycut. That's right, cookies. My salary has been cut 8%. FML, right?

I know that at the very least, I'm still employed. Yay for me! And after last year's setbacks, I am grateful.

But I remember four years ago when we had little debt, paid all of our bills by the 15th, and had money in the bank. Never did I think that in four years we would be going backward (financially), instead of forward.

And the thing that bothers me the most is that I had finally been on track, saving little bits of money, having an actual plan. It's like everytime I have it together, something happens and I have to start from square one. And now, starting in August, I'll have to cut an extra chunk of money out of my budget.

Deep sigh.

J-isms

2009-05-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

SC: Are we just going to stay home again today? I can't do it.

J: I know, baby, but it's cloudy outside.

SC: But we did this yesterday.

J: Why don't you just go to the mall?

SC: I thought about it, but I shouldn't spend any money.

J: But you should go. I wouldn't want you to get bedsores.

Do you see why I love this boy?

Pink is My Signature Color

2009-05-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

It's not really my signature color. I mean, I like pink, but I don't look that great in it. My colors are blues, greens, and yellows, especially if I'm all tan and glowy (which I know is bad but I really love).

Lately I've been gravitating toward coral, but with my coloring it's not as flattering as the other colors. Last summer I bought a coral dress at Forever 21. It came in green as well, but J like the coral color better.

But there's a huge difference between liking a color and looking good in a color. So even though I still like that dress, I'm hyper aware that the green would've been a better choice.

Anyhoodle, what's your signature color?

Swingers

2009-05-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, J and I took a mini-vacation to West Palm Beach where we were almost picked up by -wait for it...

swingers!

Here's how it started. I heard that 97.9 WRMF was having a free (keyword!) Artists You Need to Know showcase, featuring the Script, Parachute (the lead singer is adorable!), and two other groups whose names are currently escaping my old lady brain.

Anyway, I asked J if we could go because I thought it would be a fun adventure. But J works really hard, he's a territory manager for a national coffee chain, and he often wakes up at 4, so on the weekends, he really prefers to do a whole lot of nothing. West Palm Beach is about an hour/an hour a half away, and he jokingly said, "Only if we can rent a room."

Which, duh -was impossible because that would've been an added expense. Sure, the concert was free, but when you factor in drinks, dinner, gas, AND THEN a hotel room it would've been too much.

But!

But J is a member of the Hilton rewards program, and he'd accumulated enough points that we could go for -wait for it...

FREE!

This is a picture of the pool area, where we relaxed on Saturday when we arrived, and on Sunday, after our free (FREE!) breakfast.

K, enough background information.

So Saturday night, we got all dolled up and headed to the Blue Martini. I'd never been to the Blue Martini, but the drink menu certainly lived up to the hype. I had a s'mores martini and J had a Mango Madness martini, and they were delicious. Best thing? The drinks were half-price! Unfortunately, I didn't find that out until I paid for the bill. Trust me, we would've showed a lot less restraint if we would've known that in advance. :)

I was super excited. The place was pretty packed and we didn't want to stand, but all the seats were either taken or reserved.

K, so we're standing, just kinda milling about, when this older couple invites us to sit at their VIP table. We start chatting and they seem nice enough. The boy, G,was kinda talking to me a little close, invading my space a little. Instead of talking to me in my ear, he was like two inches away from my face and he was occasionally brushing up against me. But it was totally subtle, and I'm not sure if it was just a case of me thinking that I was cuter than I actually am, which is usually the case.

So they're telling us about themselves -they're both 50 (which they looked really good for), he's in construction, she does hair and tends bar, they drank a bottle of Patron on their way to the bar ON A MOTORCYCLE, and all kinds of other zany, mildly terrifying adventures.

Hmmmmm.

At this point, J whispers, "These people are swingers, right?"

Oh, good. It's not just me.

Unfortunately, after about half an hour, we got kicked out of VIP because quel surprise, they had just written their names on the VIP card. Shocker after all the stories they'd shared with us.

So we're standing, still shooting the breeze, when G said,

"Man, J. I'd really like to smoke some pot. You got any pot?"

To which J replied, "Um, sorry man. I don't have any." G asked him like three more times. By this point, I can tell J is getting uncomfortable, but the final nail in the Are They, or Aren't They?coffin was when G whispered to J,

"Your wife is really cute, man. You know that?"

Um, that was our cue to leave. We skiddadled right out of there, missing the last two acts.

But, cookies? It makes for such a great story!

Q & A

2009-05-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well, um not really. Because there are no questions. Copied from my favorite niece. :)

Seven things I like:

Sunny days. I'm a Miami girl through and through. Give me a cute bikini, a good book, a comfy lounger, a fruity drink, and pool/beach access and I'm a happy, happy girl.
Magazines. Love. Today I got Self and Allure in the mail, and yesterday I treated myself to Us Weekly -the one with Kate Gosselin on the cover -Mom or Monster?
Beauty Treatments. Is there anything better than a good blowout? Um. No. How about a great eyebrow waxing? Or a mani/pedi? I can't help it. I like being pretty.
Diet Coke. Gosh, I'm hooked. Save me from myself.
Cheese. On anything.
Shoes. It's kinda what I'm known for.
Forever 21. It's cheap, it's cute, and I love it. What can I tell you? I'd rather have more things for less than less things for more.

Seven things I did yesterday:

Went to work, where I puttered around aimlessly because I was feeling spastic.
Ate McDonald's for lunch and an entire bag of white cheddar popcorn for dinner.
Suffered through my school's graduation.
Relived the bitterness of Bitchy Mrs. Bitchpants, otherwise known as Mrs. LeDouchetard.
Burned my hair with the blowdryer. I was watching Make Me a Supermodel and got a little distracted. Until I smelled the delicious odor of burnt hair. Yum.
Took a nap.
Balanced my checkbook. Oh, red? When will you be black?

Seven things I wish I could do:

Have a thick skin so things wouldn't bother me so much.
Not take things so personally.
Be happy with myself. I don't hate myself, but it's a work in progress.
Make more money and get out of debt.
Worry less.
Exercise regularly (like I used to).
Fit into my pants.

Seven things I don’t like

Roots. I need to get mine done pronto.
Cleaning. I wish we had a cleaning lady, but I'd rather save the money.
Going to the dentist.
Dog farts. So gross, I know. But Snoopy usually has bad gas.
J's feet. I love him from the ankles up.
People who think that they're the boss of me. Um, no. No.
Seeing my grandfather cry because my Nana is in the hospital. Breaks my heart.

A Love Affair Rekindled

2009-05-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Because of the douche-y behavior I had to deal with today, I found it necessary to indulge in retail therapy, which was made guilt-free, thanks to a $50 VISA giftcard from one of my munchkins.

If you remember, it's been a while since I've found anything at Forever 21. I'd anticipated their new Love 21 collection, but, eh. It was a little sound and fury-ish.

Anyhoodle, this afternoon I drove my sad-face to the mall without any expectations.

And, cookies? Going to the mall without expectaions is the best. THE BEST. Because when you don't have any expectations, anything you find is a score.

Check out my super cute finds:

This dress must've just been put out when I got to the store because in the 10 minutes it took me to finish walking the store, these dresses disappeared. Anyhoodle, this dress fits my number one summer dress requirement: it's smocked. The navy/white/yellow pattern is bold, but not overwhelming, giving the overall dress a fresh look.

This pattern doesn't photograph as lovely as it looks in person. But it's cute and sassy, and I'm super happy that it now belongs to me.

I also bought a really cute navy/white stripe t-shirt, but I couldn't find a picture of it online.

And, yes. I do feel better.

Some People Are Just Buttholes....

2009-05-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Cookies, this is a super important lesson to learn. And apparently, I have yet to learn it because as a super sensitive, highly emotional drama queen, Jesus is finding the need to put mega douchetards who behave horribly and rudely toward me, for no damn good reason, in my path over and over and over again. So I'm thinking I haven't learned it yet -duh, because it still affects me like a mofo every single time.

I haven't written about the LeDouchetards for several months. We had achieved a relatively peaceful detente, and life had progressed a little less bitterly. Today was the last day of school, and I received several gifts from my little ones, but no gift -not even a card, from the usual suspect. Before I continue, please let me make it clear that I expect nothing from my students, but I appreciate everything, no matter how big or small. I was hurt by that obvious oversight (especially when I remembered that the LeDouchetards had bought a birthday present for the friggin' cafeteria lady, but whatever), but it really wasn't unexpected.

What was unexpected was this:

During our class party this morning (which was a super cool glow in the dark party), the students had McDonald's for lunch. As we were eating, Mrs. LeDouchetard asked the other teacher in the room and another mother what they would like to drink. She didn't ask me, but I assumed it was because she knew what I would like.

Well, this bitch came back with a soda for every adult in the room. Except for me.

Burn.

I felt like I had physically been slapped. I was so angry, I began to shake. One of the adults noticed this blatant rudeness and offered me her drink, but I declined and told her I had left my drink in my classroom. The urge to cry was at the surface, not out of sadness, but out of fury.

Again, it shouldn't have surprised me. But it did. And I'm angry about it.

I did do something in my own passive aggressive way, which I feel a smidge badly about. I gave each child a large thank you card, thanking them for the gifts they had given me throughout the year and detailing all the things I loved about them and how much I enjoyed being their teacher. The son of the LeDouchetards didn't get a card. Obviously. The only thing that makes me feel badly is that technically it's not his fault. But. But I did it anyway.

And since all my kids parents are tight, as soon as those kids got to the parking lot, they started waving their cards in Mrs. LeDouchetard's face. Good.

Just because she's a butthole, doesn't mean I have to be a butthole. I don't want to be a butthole. Really, I don't.

But.

But don't push me. Because when push comes to shove, this cookie can be your worst nightmare.

Carry on.

Who Has Two Thumbs & Loves Me?

2009-05-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

My mama. That's who.

Okay. So you may remember that I mentioned that I wanted to buy these chairs for our patio.

However, I've been on a saving kick (I can't save much, but I'm really working on squirreling it away), and I was dreading having to spend over $300 to buy these loungers.

Imagine my surprise when my mama called and asked if I wanted her old loungers. They're a little beat up and a little rusty, but guess what? They be FREE! And with a little bit of elbow grease and a couple of dollars, they can look better than new.

I'm thinking of spray painting them hot pink. Crazily delicious. I'll post some pics when I'm done with the fabulosity.

Immediate Gratification....

2009-05-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

will have to be delayed. Because I've done the math for this month, and it's going to be a tight squeeze. Deep sigh. Maybe next month.

I've been looking for a shrunken blazer, and this one is perfect. I haven't figured out if I like it better in navy or black. But, um, I've got three weeks to think about it. LOL.I love summer dresses. Love. Although I'm planning to lose the 10 pounds I've gained this year, dresses make me feel thin and hide the pooch. Even though it's just an illusion.

All these cuties are from Urban Outfitters and are under $68 smackaroonies. Cute, right?

Is This Relationship OVER?

2009-05-12T19:38:00.001-07:00

For years, I've loved Forever 21. Loved. Never would a week pass by that I wouldn't come home with a yellow bag stuffed with a few well-priced beauties. Guaranteed I could not step foot in the store without spending at least $25. Yep. Do the math cookies. $25 (minimum, mind you) x 52 (weeks) =$1300 (YIKES!! -but I am now saving $25/week, that's right, I'm on the road to being responsible).

I mean, I've said several times that Forever 21 has ruined me, ruined me for regular stores. I could be at, oh, let's say Macy's, and I'll see a really cute jersey dress for $48.

$48 AMERICAN DOLLARS? WHAT? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I COULD GET THAT FOR AT FOREVER 21? PROBABLY LESS THAN $20! OH HELL TO THE NO!

Anyhoodle, lately? The magic? It's gone. I have not bought anything from Forever 21 since Lent. Nothing. Not a tanktop. Not a skirt. Not a flirty little dress. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

The hemlines are too high. A little crotch-tastic if you will. The waistlines are too high. So high they might as well be wrapped around my neck. The cuts make my thighs look like racks of ham and my belly like I'm eight months pregnant. Um, no. No. No. No.

However, Forever 21 is coming out with a new line called Love 21: Sophisticated style at a price you can't pass up. Hmmm. Maybe this love affair can be saved after all.